Virginia's Going To Kill Us
by The Rambler13
Summary: A series of oneshots about my states from my story 50 States of Crazy, ranging from humorous to historical, with occasional appearances by the countries. Rated T for possible future violence and drunken-ness. Cover image by the lovely Fruitstogether.
1. Chapter 1

**For anyone who hasn't read my story 50 States if Crazy—this will make soooo much more sense if you read that first.**

**This is the oneshot that started it all... I asked if you guys wanted it, and you said yes—so here you go; drunk Maryland, Montana, and New York. There shall be stupidity. And Hannah Montana. For whatever reason, I made it winter in this. So yeah... Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the states.**

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

"What're we doing?" New York asked.

"I forgot... Let's go swimming!" Montana grabbed Maryland and New York by the arms and dragged them towards the kitchen door.

"Wait... but we don't have any *hic* swimsuits." New York paused.

"It's February," Maryland added.

There was silence.

"Let's do it anyway!" New York ran out the door, dragging Maryland along.

"Woo-hoo!" Montana ran out the kitchen door, straight to the pond and tried to jump in off the dock.

_THUD_.

"Oww... that *hic* hurt... Why won't the water let me go swimming?"

"I dunno." New York poked at the ice of the pond, which had frozen solid. "Weeeeird..."

Montana pouted. "It's too cold. LET'S GO WATCH T.V.!"

The three ran (stumbled) back into the house and fell onto the couch. Montana grabbed the remote, turning the T.V. on.

It was playing the Disney Channel—Hawaii and Alaska had most likely been the ones watching it last. Since it was one in the morning, a rerun of the old Hannah Montana show was playing. The three of them watched, enthralled.

Halfway through the show, there was a huge concert with singing and dancing.

"I could *hic* totally do that," Montana announced.

"Yeah!" New York nodded.

Maryland just looked at them, a small smile on his face.

"Mattie? You're smiling. You don't smile... *hic* do you?" Montana stared at him.

Maryland whispered something to New York.

He beamed. "I HAVE AN IDEA!" He jumped up, forgot where his feet were, and promptly fell on his face. "Ow..."

"What's the idea, Yorkie?" Montana sat up from his sprawl across the couch.

"You guys'll see," he mumbled from the floor.

_-Five Minutes Later-_

"We have a stage? When'd we get a stage?" Montana stared.

"...when I asked for one. Broadway demanded *hic* it." New York flung open a chest full of costumes. "And look!"

All three states grinned.

**O-O-O-O**

California yawned and pushed open the door separating the stage from the rest of the basement. "What's with all the noi..."

He trailed off, mouth hanging open.

_"(((Song Lyrics aren't allowed... The song here is "Best of Both Worlds. The lyrics are removed so that this story doesn't get deleted)))"__  
_

Montana was wearing a blonde wig ...and a sparkly silver dress. He was dancing in the middle of the stage, singing along to the music at the top of his lungs. Maryland and New York were dancing behind him, apparently backup dancers.

"...Oh God..." California just stared.

_"YEAH, YOU GOT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!"_

"You know what? I'm going back to bed." He turned around and walked back out, silently praying for brain bleach.

_-Three Hours Later-_

New York was laying in a pile of costumes and snoring, one arm flopped across his face. Montana was sitting at the counter, staring at his cup in mystification. Maryland looked like he was half-asleep.

Montana looked up groggily. "Maryland... dude, why don't you ever talk? ...you should talk more."

"Sorry," Maryland mumbled back.

"Uh huh... Oh, hi there marshmallow..." Montana waved at the couch.

The door opened, and Virginia marched in wearing fuzzy blue pajama bottoms and not much else. "What are you three doing?! It's four in the morning! You're going to wake everyone up, and California keeps muttering about brain bleach—"

"You're pretty..."

Virginia looked down. Maryland was sitting on the floor and hugging his leg with a dazed grin.

"What the—GET OFF OF ME!"

"No." Maryland had a death grip.

"Let me go!"

"No."

"Let. Me. Go."

"No."

"Let me go."

"No."

"LET ME GO."

"...No."

Virginia gave up. "Okay, all of you are going upstairs to sleep this off. Now. Get moving."

Montana kept talking to a pillow. New York snored. Maryland continued hugging Virginia's leg. Nobody moved.

Virginia resisted the urge to bang his head against a wall. "This is why you guys aren't allowed to get drunk!" he groaned in exasperation. "Bad things happen."

Since New York was the lightest, only a few inches taller than Ginny, he decided to deal with him first. "Come on..." he dragged the sleeping state over to the couch and shoved him onto it, Maryland still hugging his leg.

He threw a blanket over New York and went to work on Montana.

"Okay, put it down." He held out a hand for the pillow.

"But this is Mr. Marshmallow! And he doesn't like you."

"Well, I think Mr. Marshmallow is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and you really need to go to sleep too. So how about you and Mr. Marshmallow go sleep on the couch?" He pointed.

"Okay..." Montana stumbled over to the couch, tripped, and landed face-first in New York's lap.

Virginia rolled his eyes.

"Good... nigh... Zzzz..." Montana drifted off before he could even finish.

Virginia looked down. "And now I just have to deal with you... I suppose I'm not going to get you to let go easily, am I?"

Maryland said nothing, as usual.

"I will literally pay y—"

"No."

He gave a sigh if resignation. "Fine. I'll sleep down here." Limping over to the couch with Maryland still hugging his leg, Virginia flopped down next to his sleeping brothers and pried Matthias off.

"I'm not doing a thing for any of you in the morning." He rolled over. "Good night."

**END**

**A/N:**

**They end up MAJORLY regretting it...**

**So begins the series of oneshots! I wanted to get this up earlier, but I blame the fact that my mom and I are MAKING A FRIKIN WEDDING CAKE. And also Queen Quenn of Nerdingham, distracting me with Canada and Tangled... (Just kidding.)**

**EDIT: Removed the song lyrics... T.T It just isnt the same. AND I had to do an A/N in the middle of the story, and it annoys me to write as well as read them.**

**Anyways, here's the deal, my fellow fangirls (and boys): I have decided to take requests. If you want me to write something, I can try to write it. These will be ranging from silly plotless humor things to historical angst, so get those minds moving!**

**~Rambler**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

**So there's really mild AusHun in this chapter. Mainly because I needed a reason for a wedding. The wedding is taking place in the present... For reasons. (I have no clue.) Berlin and Moscow are mentioned in this story as well. Berlin is introduced in a story called Mein Vati und Vater that I wrote, and Moscow doesn't have a story yet—so this is her debut. Moscow is about one in appearance. Berlin is two like D.C. This was all inspired by a wedding I went to Saturday. It was awesome!**

**Disclaimer: I own nobody but the states. The states are MINE. *creepy grin***

**Virginia: You're going to make the little kids start crying again. And possibly Massachusetts. *Massachusetts and Hawaii crying* See?**

**-o-o-o-o-**

Austria and Hungary's wedding was quite the occasion. Every nation was there, and so were their children.

Berlin and D.C. were running about underfoot, giggling and dodging around the tables in their matching suits. Moscow was sleeping, being carried around by Russia in her little flower girl dress. The states were all spread about the room, talking and eating.

Massachusetts was arguing with New York about something, Hawaii was following Japan around, Alaska was holding Russia's hand and chattering away, and North and South Carolina were trying to sneak some cake.

South Carolina and Florida were wearing black dresses, sneaking around in the shadows. Currently, they were under the cake table.

"Target in sight," Florida whispered.

"I know, idiot. We're UNDER it." South rolled her eyes. She lifted the tablecloth. "Uh oh. Ginny at two o' clock."

"On it!" chirped a cheerful voice from Florida's walkie-talkie.

A pink-wearing North Carolina tackle hugged Virginia. "Hi Arthur! Isn't this fun?"

"...sure. Now let go of me. I have to find D.C. before he runs off somewhere he shouldn't." He tried to tug his arm out of her grasp.

"Oh, okay. I think he and Berlin went that way. Let's go look!" She tugged him off in the opposite direction. He sighed and let her drag him off.

"Threat neutralized," reported South Carolina, letting the tablecloth drop back down. "Time to do what we do best."

"...start a war among our siblings?"

"No, the other thing." South face-palmed.

"Steal stuff?"

"Bingo."

"On it!"

Florida carefully slid towards the wall behind the table and stood up so that she was pressed between the wall and the table. Pulling a knife out of her dress, she held up a napkin and neatly sliced off a hug hunk of cake. She dropped back under the table before anyone could see her.

"Success!" she cheered into the walkie-talkie.

"Great! I'll be there in a minute," North replied.

South began dividing the cake up for three people. She took a bite. "Whoa, France really outdid himself on this thing. It's really good. And it's chocolate!"

"Ooh, gimme!" Florida took a huge bite. "Mmmm..." she mumbled, her mouth full of crumbs. "Thith ish good!"

North Carolina popped up under the table. "I distracted him! Now where's mine?"

**-0-0-0-**

While the three states ate cake under the table, Montana was trying to convince his sisters to dance.

"Come on, pleeeeease?" He shot his best puppy face at Connecticut.

"No way," Idaho answered for her.

"Yeah! There's like three hundred people here!" agreed Arkansas.

"And at least half of them are dancing!" he said in exasperation. "Moscow can barely walk and she's dancing. New Mexico, Oaky, and Arizona are dancing. I'm pretty sure I saw Canada dancing. Sweden was dancing earlier! Freaking SWEDEN. Why can't you?"

"Because!" all three girls yelled in unison.

Montana sighed. "I gave all of you fair chance. HEY GUYS!" California and Michigan were there in an instant. Before any of the three girls could protest, their brothers were yanking them onto the dance floor.

Moscow giggled when she saw them and toddled away from Russia. "Bup!" she demanded, holding her arms out to Michigan. She couldn't quite get the word 'up' yet.

"Okay. But don't be all wiggly, or I'll drop you," he told her with a stern look, his eyes giving away the laughter. He grabbed the toddler and set her on his hip, spinning in place and holding her hand out to dance. The three girl states laughed.

"Your turn!" Michigan shoved the baby into Idaho's arms before she could even blink. "Dance!"

The state looked down at the baby. "Do you want to dance?"

Moscow waved her arms around, giggling. "Whee! Whee!"

"Okay then.." Idaho started dancing.

**-0-0-0-**

D.C. giggled and clapped his hands over his mouth.

"Shh!" Berlin said, peeking out from behind the statue in the middle of the room, which they were crouched behind. "The grown-ups are gonna hear us!"

"Sorry!" D.C. replied, looking out with him. "What are they doing now?"

"...some weird grown-up thing." He pointed.

D.C. peered around him. All the female nations and states were gathered around Hungary. The music switched to "All the Single Ladies".

"HEY MASS, IT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG!" yelled Colorado from across the room.

Both little boys heard the older state mutter a few words that would have gotten them put in time-out for a year.

"I think I know what they're doing! I read it in one of my big sisters' books. They hafta catch her flowers and if they do they'll get married." D.C. grinned proudly.

"Yuck! I don't wanna marry a girl!" Berlin stuck his tongue out in disgust.

Hungary tossed her bouquet in the air. Before anyone else could catch it, Belarus snatched it out of the air with a glare at the other girls present. She smiled creepily at the flowers, then beamed at Russia, who was standing in the corner and watching. "Oh big brother~!"

Russia hid behind America, shoving Moscow into the younger nation's arms. "Fredka, help me, please...!"

"Uh..." America gulped as a knife-wielding Belarus started towards him. "Hey Bel... How about you go marry someone else? Like... Um... Lithuania! He's nice, right? He likes you." America backed away, still shielding Russia and the two toddlers.

Behind their statue, D.C. and Berlin watched, captivated.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed Belarus' knife.

"Stop that. It's quite disturbing." Germany tugged the blade out of her grasp. "Go harass someone outside." He pointed to the door.

"Your daddy is cool," D.C. whispered.

"Vati doesn't think so. He says Vater is unawesome and boring." Berlin glanced back at his friend.

Belarus was shoved out the door by several male nations. Everyone else just stared.

"There you two are!" Virginia grabbed D.C. and picked him up. "Come on. It's time for cake now."

**-0-0-0-**

After everyone had eaten the cake—and tried to figure out why on earth a piece was already missing—a slow song came on the speakers.

Austria and Hungary danced, and soon enough Poland was dragging Lithuania out too. Russia turned in circles with Moscow in his arms giggling and clapping her hands. Hawaii and Alaska spun around as fast as they could until they fell over. Berlin and D.C. started dancing too, mostly just walking in circles while hugging each other, too little to know how to dance.

Maryland watched for a few seconds before promptly dragging Virginia off.

"Wh—let me go!"

Maryland shook his head.

"Bu—"

"We're going to dance. Now shush."

Virginia turned bright red and shut up.

"I told you he'd do it. You owe me ten bucks," announced Michigan from behind a pillar. "Pay up, sis."

Ohio rolled her eyes and handed him his money. "There. Now let's go dance or something."

Montana and Connecticut were dancing, as were the Dakota twins. Oregon appeared to be trying and failing to get Washington to dance. Massachusetts was trying to strangle New York, for reasons unknown. Sweden was standing next to Finland and staring at him, too awkward to actually say something. Sealand and Wy were whirling around, trying (and failing) not to knock into anyone.

Suddenly, the song changed.

Everyone looked up. Prussia was pushing random buttons on the DJ's computer, the DJ himself having been duct-taped to a wall. A much faster song began playing.

Everyone else looked at each other.

"Oh, why not?" Hungary shrugged and hiked up her skirt, raising one fist in the air. "LET'S PARTY!"

And with that, everything dissolved into madness.

Three hours later, Massachusetts and Switzerland were tied to the statue in the middle of the room, New Mexico, Arizona, and Oklahoma were all covered in cake, Louisiana and Quebec were kissing under the cake table, Virginia and Maryland had mysteriously disappeared, Moscow was toddling around holding Berlin's hand, Russia and Germany were attempting to catch them, England and Prussia had each drunk enough to intoxicate several bull elephants, and Greece was asleep (although actually that last one was fairly standard). Hungary and Austria were sitting on the piano and taking turns drinking from a bottle of wine, watching everything else.

Suddenly, the door creaked open. "Hey guys, sorry I'm... late?"

Canada's jaw dropped as he took in the streamers everywhere, his son kissing Louisiana, passed out countries, cities, provinces and states everywhere, and Austria and Hungary, who had raised their wine bottle in greeting.

"Come on, I missed all the fun stuff again?!"

**THE END**

**Now where did Ginny and Maryland disappear to? *frying pan to the face from Gi—I MEAN VIRGINIA.***

**Moscow is based off of what my baby cousin was doing at the wedding when I was trying to make my brother dance. Prussia did what the best man did—changing the song in the middle of a romantic slow dance (if I recall, to "Party Rock Anthem"). **

**I love all of you, readers and reviewers! (Coughcough especially reviewers) I may slow down in updates since school starts tomorrow for me, but I'll try to keep updating once a week. Keep any and all suggestions coming!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is based off of the fact that nobody knows which state, North or South Dakota, became a state before the other. Nobody knows whose papers were si****gned by the president first. Kinda almost late, so it's extra long! Yay!**

**For Czech19alfredo. I hope you like it, Czech!**

**-0-0-0**-

"Obviously I'm the older one!"

"Not according to the book."

"Who cares about the book? That's only alphabetical order anyways. It doesn't have our ages in it." South Dakota folded his arms.

"It has everyone else's!" North Dakota said in exasperation.

"Well you two are veeeeery special," Massachusetts told them with a straight face, only to earn himself a whack over the head from New York. "Ow..."

"SHUT UP" North and South Dakota yelled at the same time. They glared at each other. "Stop copying me!" they yelped together. "No! You stop copying me!"

They glared at each other in silence.

Mass snickered, earning himself three glares.

"Mass, stop being so annoying! You're supposed to be older than me, not acting like Alaska." New York rolled his eyes.

"Just flip the pancakes," Vermont sighed, walking out of the kitchen and handing his brother the spatula. "Carefully!" he added, as the grinning state immediately rushed to the kitchen. "I think North is older," he said, drying his hands on a dish towel.

North Dakota beamed, sticking her tongue out at her twin. "So there!"

"Really? But South is much more mature. Obviously he's the older one." New York turned around to face Vermont.

South Dakota raised an eyebrow, smirking.

"Shut up, you're crazy. It would make more sense to do the signing alphabetically," Vermont replied.

"No it wouldn't. They didn't admit the Carolinas into the union alphabetically. Why should they bother with us?" South shot back.

"You called?" North Carolina popped up from seemingly nowhere.

"Oh, no. We were just discussing who was older, ND or South." New York turned around.

"Oh. Well it's probably South. He's taller, isn't he?" The blonde state pointed and shrugged.

Vermont and New York looked. While it was hard to see unless you were looking for it, South Dakota really was taller.

"He has longer hair than she does," Vermont scoffed. "I don't think that's a sign of maturity. It's silly."

South whirled. "_What did you say?!_"

North giggled slightly. "You're dead. You don't EVER bring his hair into an arguement. He's going to kill you."

Before the long-haired state could strangle Vermont, the smoke detector started going off.

"MASS!" several voices yelled in exasperation from upstairs.

The states had lived together for so long that most of them automatically assumed the smoke detector going off was the fault of their rather pyromaniacal sibling.

New York groaned. "I knew we shouldn't have trusted him with cooking. He enjoys burning things way too much."

Vermont went pale. "My pancakes!" He dropped everything and ran into the kitchen.

South followed. "This argument isn't over! I just don't want the house burning down," he called over his shoulder.

**-0-0-0-**

Once the pancakes and the kitchen had been rescued from fiery demise, everyone sat down to eat breakfast.

"So what was all the yelling about earlier?" New Hampshire raised an eyebrow and grabbed another pancake. "Awesome pancakes, Monty."

"Yeah, what were you arguing about? And pass the bacon, you hog." Ohio glared at Michigan, who immediately held the bacon out of her reach.

"We can't decide whether ND or South is older," New York supplied.

"He burnt my pancakes," whimpered Vermont. He seemed a bit traumatized.

"I apologized three times! What more do you need?!" Massachusetts pointed his fork at Vermont accusingly. "You said I could do it, remember?"

"Calm down, Monty. We made more, and they taste fine." Pennsylvania sighed and patted her brother on the head. "And North is older."

"Is not! It's obviously South." New Hampshire looked up from his bacon.

"Ith prowwy him," Michigan agreed through a mouthful of pancakes.

"Are you crazy? It's North!" Ohio turned around to face Michigan.

"This means war!" Massachusetts declared.

"Not another Civil War!" Delaware immediately protested.

"Yeah," West Virginia agreed from the end of the table. "I'm not going after Ginny with a knife again. I would really rather not have my head ripped off my Maryland."

Maryland stared at her coldly from the other side of the table.

New Jersey shrugged and turned to him. "Dude, she WAS five. You know, mentally. It—"

New York quickly covered New Jersey's mouth. "Trust me, don't finish that statement if you want to live." He nodded in the direction of Maryland, who was practically radiating death with his stare.

Massachusetts shook his head. "No, no, no, nothing like that. I meant how we settle all our arguments."

"You mean...?"

"Yup. The Oneupmanship Battles!" Massachusetts grinned evilly.

California groaned. "But Oregon and I just cleaned...!"

"Too bad. South, ND, the winner of the challenge will be the better and more mature state, and thus be declared the elder! Do you accept?"

"Yes!" they chimed immediately.

"Fine. You know the rules. We'll have California and Kentucky choose the challenge, since they're neutral. You have an hour to get ready and figure out which team is which. We meet in the basement. Go!"

**-0-0-0-  
**  
South Dakota paced back and forth, tugging on his long braid.

He frowned and glanced at his lineup of supporters; Rhode Island, New York, North Carolina, New Hampshire, Michigan, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and Hawaii.

In other words, a ridiculously loud short person, an injury-prone boy, an overly cheerful girl who liked water-related violence a bit too much, someone who woke up at four AM, a ten-year-old who could drive a tractor, a Kool-Aid junkie, and a four-year-old with zero skills aside from stick figure drawings and hula dancing.

...he was doomed.

**-0-0-0-**

North Dakota chewed her nails, writing out plans at her desk.

She paused and turned in her chair to look at her team; Vermont, Pennsylvania, Ohio, New Mexico, Iowa, Tenessee, and Alaska.

In other words, a guy obsessed with pancakes and maple syrup who seemed to be traumatized, an angry bookworm, an equally angry math geek, a ten-year-old who saw aliens, a girl obsessed with the love lives of the nations, and a four-year-old with zero skills aside from slightly garbled Russian and ice skating.

...she was doomed.

**-0-0-0-**

Massachusetts grinned at the two teams sitting on opposite couches in the basement. "Okay, as decreed by Cal and Kentucky, the older twin shall be determined by... PAINTBALL!"

"What? That doesn't even make sense..." Ohio tilted her head.

"No questioning the challenge!" Mass told her with a blinding smile. "I told you that was a stupid challenge," he hissed to Kentucky.

Kentucky shrugged.

"I CALL RED!" North Dakota yelled immediately.

"Blue!" South cheered.

Mass grinned. "Okay. Paint guns are in the firing range, and we're going to use the backyard as our playing field. Last team standing wins. No shooting at Alaska and Hawaii or Ginny will kill us. Run, get your guns, and get outside as fast as you can. On your mark... Get set... GO!"

The two teams took off, racing into the basement.

"Okay, Nebraska, you're in charge of suiting up Hawaii and Oklahoma," South Dakota called as they ran. "The rest of you, grab as much as you can and go. Catch us if you can, sis!"

"Oh, we will!" North yelled back. "New Mexico, Alaska, stick with Ohio and she'll suit you up. Everyone else, try and get there before my brother. Take only what you need!"

The twins ran ahead of their respective teams.

"I'm going to crush you," North informed her brother.

"In your dreams," he responded, putting on an extra burst of speed.

The blue team reached the field first. "The left side is ours! Move out!" The team did as they were told, Hawaii clinging to Nebraska's hand as he ran off with her tagging along. Oklahoma scrambled up a tree, having been dubbed the sniper so that she was in less immediate danger, being only ten. Everyone else ran into the trees, spreading out over their side of the backyard.

North Dakota raced onto her half of the field. "Alaska, you go with New Mexico. You two can hide in those bushes and shoot anyone who walks by. Got it? The rest of you, run!"

Massachusetts watched as everyone ran off. "Arizona? You can say go."

His little sister beamed and turned to face the yard/playing field. She grabbed a megaphone. "Ready?" She paused for a few seconds. "...GO!"

All over the backyard, the states rushed forward, ready to knock out their opponents.

**-0-0-0-**

Iowa trudged through the trees.

He was supposed to be hunting down Nebraska, but he hadn't really wanted to play the stupid game in the first place. He was only helping because South Dakota was one of his favorite siblings. He didn't talk too much or set things on fire, unlike the others.

Nor was he incessantly hyper like a certain brother of his...

Nebraska was his own special breed of crazy with his constant sugar intake.

He sighed. "Okay, come out now so I can shoot you and go home," he told the trees in a bored tone.

_WHACK!_

He whirled around as he felt something hit his back. He fired up into the trees, and heard a satisfying, "Owwww!"

Nebraska fell out of the tree. "You shot me!" His eyes were wide with disbelief.

"Yeah, because you hit me first! That and it's kind of the whole point of the game," Iowa grumbled.

Nebraska looked at him, bottom lip quivering.

"No no no, don't you dare start crying. Don't you dare!" Iowa immediately dropped the gun. His brother was crazy, but he definitely couldn't stand seeing him cry. Nebraska was so happy he sometimes forgot how easy it was to take that away. "Come on, you're fine. Don't cry."

"You aren't mad at me, right?"

Honestly, he was relieved to be out already. His siblings got _way_ too competitive sometimes.

Not that he'd ever actually say that. Iowa sighed and took his brother's hand. "Come on. Let's go watch everyone shoot each other. It's better than sitting here being bored."

"Okay. Let's go!" And with that, Nebraska was sprung back to his usual cheerful self.

As Iowa was being tugged out of the the woods, a clump of bushes shook, and North Carolina's head popped out.

She looked around, ignoring the retreating forms. Her goal was to eliminate Tennessee. And then have cake, because cake was fun!

She raised her blue paint gun, spotting something moving several yards away.

"Gotcha," she whispered, and pulled the trigger.

She missed by an inch, but she spotted the golden brown ponytail that told her it was, in fact, Tennessee.

Suddenly, South Dakota ran out of the bushes, eyes wide. His sister was close behind, a look of matching terror on her face. They ran past North Carolina without even a second glance.

North and South ran as fast as they could, not caring whose side was which anymore. Two ten-year-old snipers and a pair of sugar-crazed toddlers were never a good combination. They dove behind a tree, watching as their four young pursuers ran past.

_Truce_, North told her brother in sign language, too out of breath to speak.

_Agreed_, he signed back.

They sat there for a moment, trying to get their breath back.

"South?"

"...Yeah?"

"...I can't even really remember what we were arguing about."

"Me neither." South Dakota suddenly grinned wickedly. "So..."

"Operation rainbow paint?" North's matching grin grew.

"You got it. Let's blast 'em."

The twins leapt out of their hiding place and started to fire at everything that moved, running through the trees. They worked as a team, taking down their siblings.

They had gotten everyone but Alaska and Hawaii when—

_WHACK!_

North jumped as she was hit. Hawaii's giggle told her just who had fired the shot.

Seconds later, her brother flinched, and Alaska gave another (now slightly muffled) giggle.

North Dakota blinked and frowned. "Wait... we're both out. Does that mean we both lost? ...to our four-year-old siblings?"

South opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and frowned. "...I think so."

"Well now what?"

**-0-0-0-**

Mass sighed. "Okay, since apparently paintball was too complex, I— what, Yorkie?"

New York had his hand raised. "...we're in Alaska's room."

"Yes we are, because this room has geographically incorrect penguins painted on the walls and my turtle likes penguins."

"Oh god, are we bringing Phillip into this?" New Hampshire groaned.

"But the turtle doesn't even really ex—"

Massachusetts slapped a hand over Iowa's mouth before he could finish. "Shhh. Don't be mean to Phillip."

"YOUR IMAGINARY PET-FRIEND-THING ISN'T REAL!" Tennessee said in exasperation.

"He is too!" Massachusetts glared. "Now shush or I'll set your chart with the date lives of nations on fire."

"No!"

"I would do it."

"SHUT UP!" Ohio yelled.

"You shut up!" Michigan replied.

Suddenly, Virginia slammed open the door. "BE QUIET!"

Everyone froze in various positions ranging from hugging to strangling each other. Or in Iowa and Nebraska's case, both at the same time (how they managed it was a mystery to all, them included).

Virginia looked ready to bite someone's head off. "I just spent thirty minutes convincing D.C. to take his nap, and you woke him up. Which one of you wants to die first?"

The group of states looked at each other in fear. It wasn't an empty threat. An angry Virginia was not to be taken lightly.

"...um, I volunteer Mass?" Ohio gulped and shoved Massachusetts in front of her.

"Hey! ...I mean, please don't hurt me...?" Mass held up both hands in surrender.

"Why are you all being so loud?!"

"We need to figure out if North or South Dakota is older!" Oklahoma told him.

"Yeah!" Alaska agreed.

"Well, didn't you ask Dad?"

Everyone looked at each other.

"Wow. It's physically painful feeling this stupid." Michigan groaned.

"To Dad's office!" declared Massachusetts.

**-0-0-0-**

America and Delaware were doing paperwork when the rather large group marched in, demanding answers.

"...You know, I don't actually know how old any of you are. All of you just showed up one day, one at a time as your states were forming." America looked up from his heap of papers. "For all I know, some of you are older than me. Ginny could be the oldest, or it could be Del. I don't know how long any of you were around before I found you."

North Dakota blinked.

South Dakota tilted his head.

Virginia smirked at Delaware when America mentioned them. Delaware rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue.

"Really mature, guys," New York whispered. "Give it up already."

"So even if we did know who became a state first, we still wouldn't know who was oldest?" North asked.

"Nope. If D.C. can stay two for a century and a half, I don't see why it's impossible for that to have happened to you."

Everyone groaned.

"So will we ever know?" asked Vermont.

"Nope. Now go away, I gotta deal with this report from China."

"Fine."

"Bye dad!"

"Ugh. Seriously?"

"Stupid universe."

"Let's go, guys."

Everyone filed out of the room moodily. North and South Dakota looked a little in shock as the door clicked shut behind them.

Once they were gone, he turned and whispered to Delaware, "Just for the record—my money's on South."

"Really? I thought North."

"No, no, no. It's obviously—"

**END**

**A/N:**

**America's basement is four times the size of his house. That's why there seem to be a lot of things down there. Like a firing range. (Shameless effort to fix plothole). It even has an an aircraft hanger, which I'll bring in for a later story.**

**(::) Cookie for my sole reviewer this chapter... T.T I feel so alone... (But thank you to Czech! Love ya.)**

**Keep the requests coming guys, I guarantee every suggestion helps!**


	4. Chapter 4

**So I got this idea when I watched a video set in the year 1813 in Social Studies. It mentioned Baltimore, Maryland being "a nest of filthy privateers" (pirates). So of course I immediately thought of Maryland, which turned into this story. (It has lots of cute chibi!states. Yay!)**

**On another note: Maryland was way more talkative as a five-year-old. Now he's always silent, and only Virginia really understands what his different kinds of silence mean.**

**0-0-0-0**

**Time: War of 1812  
Location: Northern Massachusetts (Present-Day Maine)**

**0-0-0-0**

Five-year-old Maryland jumped back as a carriage clattered past him, barely missing him. He ran to America's side and grabbed the nation's hand, watching the retreating carriage fearfully.

"You have to stay by me, okay?" America smiled down at him. "Now come on, we need to go buy some ink, and maybe even a little bit of candy if you're good—but you would have to share." He led the young state into the wooden store bearing the words, "Roget's General Store".

Maryland gazed at the rows of goods. There were bolts of brightly colored cloth stacked against the wall, and shelves and boxes covered every surface. He spotted a giant barrel of candy near the clerk's desk. His eyes grew wide.

America grabbed the bottle of ink and crouched down next to Maryland. "Okay, you can pick some candy. But make sure you have enough for everyone."

The state's eyes lit up, and he scampered off.

America walked over to the clerk. "Hello, Mrs. Roget."

"Hello, Alfred. Who is this?" The old woman raised an eyebrow, peering down over her glasses at Maryland, who had returned with a handful of candy, mostly peppermints.

"Say good morning, Matthias." America turned to the little boy.

"Good morning!" he chirped.

"He's not your child, is he?" She looked down disdainfully.

"Oh, no ma'am. This is—um—my brother's child. He's from Baltimore," America lied, think quickly. He often forgot that he looked barely eighteen.

"That city is a nest of filthy privateers. Horrible ruffians, all of them."

America forced a smile. "Yes, good thing Mattie is here instead." He paid, then left quickly.

"Daddy?" Maryland asked.

"What?" America scooped him up.

"I didn't like that lady very much. She was mean."

"Yeah, I didn't much like her either."

Maryland was silent for a while.

"What's a private ear?"

"You mean a privateer?" America laughed. "That means a pirate. The ones in Baltimore steal things from the British. They run the blockade and bring back goods for everyone."

"The blockade is scary." Maryland huddled closer to America. "It makes them sad. And angry."

"I know. But that's what the pirates are going to try and fix. Do you want me to tell you more about pirates?"

Maryland nodded eagerly.

America grinned as he started on the long walk home. "Well, on a ship, there's a captain..."

**0-0-0-0**

"Ginny! Guess what?" Maryland crawled under the blanket and into the tent that had been erected with their bedsheets. "I'm gonna be a pirate some day," he told Virginia solemnly.

The three-year old blinked in confusion. "What's that?"

"Daddy told me all about it. They steal stuff like treasure—that means money and special stuff—from bad guys and bring it back to the people who need it! Like Robin Hood!"

"Oooh..." Virginia listened with wide eyes, hugging his stuffed bunny.

"We can be pirates together! What should we use as our treasure?"

"Kitty!"

"Oh, yeah!" The toddler ran across the room to the state's sacred toy shelf, where a doll, some wooden soldiers, and a carved and painted wooden cat sat. He had to climb a stool to reach it, then stand on tiptoe, but he managed to reach the cat.

He ran back and handed it to Virginia, who set it down next to him with his bunny. "Now pirates!"

"Do you wanna help me be a pirate?"

Virginia nodded eagerly.

"Okay. I'll let you wear a hat an' everything! You can be..." He tried to remember all the different jobs. "You can be first mate, and I'll be the captain!" He looked around. "Oh! And our ship will be over there!"

Grabbing Virginia's hand, he ran out of their makeshift tent and over to the bed and tried to scramble up the side of it, only to slip back down and land in his back.

"Ow!" The bed was too tall for him to climb up all by himself. Getting back up, he frowned. Now what?

"Stay here," he told Virginia, dashing away. "Guys!"

Massachusetts, Delaware, and Connecticut were down the hall, playing. They looked up.

"What?" asked Delaware.

"I'm gonna be a pirate captain. Will you guys be pirates with me? Except you can't be first mate 'cause I have one already.

"Okay!" Massachusetts jumped up. "I wanna be the lookout!"

"I'll be the ship-steerer person," Delaware offered.

"Pirates are scary! I don't wanna play!" Connecticut shook her head.

"Okay. Bye Nettie! Come on guys." Maryland led his two older brothers back to their bedroom.

America's house had four rooms—the kitchen, the sitting room, and two bedrooms, one for him and one for the states. The states spent most of their time in the bedrooms upstairs.

Maryland turned to Delaware. "How do we get up on the bed? Daddy is chopping firewood, so he can't help us."

"Oooh!" Massachusetts interrupted. "I know!" He turned and ran down the stairs. A few minutes later, he returned with a stack of enormous books. "We can pile these up so they make a step!"

He set them down next to the bed, then climbed on top, scrambling into the bed. The others followed, Virginia holding Maryland's hand.

Delaware jumped back down. "We can have costumes!" He grabbed a heap of rags and scarves, and then America's best hat as an afterthought. Maryland put the too-big hat on his head and tied a scarf around his waist like a belt.

"I'm the captain! Okay, you look through this and look for bad guys." Maryland handed Massachusetts a wooden telescope. "And you steer the ship." He gave Delaware one of their dented tin plates. He grabbed a stick and stuck it in his makeshift belt. The others finished tying scarves around their heads and scrambled into their positions.

"Full speed ahead!" Delaware announced.

"Oh no! There's a big nasty shark coming to get us!" Massachusetts cried, looking through the toy telescope.

"Ahhhh! Quick, turn the ship around!" Delaware turned the plate like a wheel.

"Where?!" Virginia looked up in terror.

Maryland drew his stick. "Don't worry! I'll save you!" He bounced up and down on the bed and started waving the stick. "Die, shark, die!"

"Yay! It's dead!" Delaware cheered.

"Oh no! Now it's more sharks! Fire the canons!" Massachusetts called.

Virginia obediently started throwing pillows. Maryland kept waving his stick.

"And they stole our treasure!" Mass pointed to the wooden cat and Maryland's candy, which all sat on the chair across the room.

"We'll never get it back!" Delaware cried.

"I don't wanna get eated!" Virginia wailed. "Kitty!"

"Wait! Just use the pillows and you won't fall in the ocean!" Maryland hopped onto a pillow. "See?"

The others followed. Halfway through, Massachusetts lost his balance and fell over, landing in the "ocean".

"Aaaaahhhhhh! Sharks are eating me! He flailed his arms about wildly.

"Oh no! We gotta save him!" Virginia grabbed Maryland's hand, eyes wide.

"Die evil sharks!" Maryland and Delaware yelled together, beating the air around Massachusetts with their sticks. "Die die die!"

Mass grabbed a pillow and stood back up on top of it. "Come on! We have to get the treasure!"

Virginia suddenly froze. "There's another monster!"

"Where? What is it?" Maryland looked around in confusion.

"A GIRL!" Virginia pointed at the doorway, where Connecticut was watching them and looking confused.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" the other three boys screamed, scrambling back. "We're going to catch her cooties!"

"Back to the ship!" Maryland commanded as they all made a mad dash for the bed.

Connecticut rolled her eyes and walked away.

**0-0-0-0**

America walked in the house with a groan. The stupid war was making even simple tasks like chopping wood painful, and he hadn't even started dinner yet. Dammit, England...

"Hey guys, I'm back!" he called.

"HAND OVER YOUR TREASURE!" four toddler voices screamed.

_WHUMP!_

America was knocked flat on his back as they all tackled him. "Ow! What the—"

"TREASURE!" Massachusetts snatched America's shoe, which was covered with snow.

America blinked. Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, and Massachusetts were wearing what appeared to be scarves tired around their heads. Maryland was wearing America's best tricorn hat, which was much too big. He had a scarf tied around his waist as well.

He pointed a stick a America. "Give us treasure!"

"What are you guys doing?"

"We're being pirates!" Maryland announced proudly.

"Yeah!" Massachusetts interrupted. "We fought sharks, and rescued our treasure, and I almost got eaten, and then we saw an icky girl! But it's okay, 'cause we got her to run away!" He grinned, his missing front tooth showing.

America smiled. "So... can I be a pirate too?"

Massachusetts frowned. "I don't know. Are you good at killing sharks?"

"Actually, I changed my mind. I want to be a sea monster! Roar!" America scooped them all up, grinning as they tried to escape.

"Oh no! The sea monster got us!" Delaware giggled.

"Whatever shall we do?" Massachusetts pretended to faint.

"You're going to help me make dinner— or else I'm going to eat you all!" America set them down and watched them race off into the kitchen. He smiled.

War or not, his life was never going to be boring.

**END**

**A/N:**

**I reeeeeeeally wanted cute baby states, so I had a lot of fun with this. Sorry that this wasn't your request, divis5. I promise I'll have that up next!**

**Oh, and if any of you haven't seen it yet: animeartis over on DeviantArt made super cute state chibis! (MARYLAND AND VIRGINIA! And the three toddlers ^.^)**

**Thanks, reviewer! (::) c(^_^c) a cookie ****_and_**** a hug for you!**


	5. Chapter 5

**IMPORTANT NOTE: Indiana's human name is Alyssa Jones.**

**A/N: So now I have a weird love for Nebraska. He kinda invaded this one, along with Iowa. I seem to write Neb like a somewhat competent Italy (mainly because he's always hyper... ooooooh I have a new idea for a oneshot!). Also I love Scottish accents now (totally irrelevant fact) ...anyways, this is for divis5. Oh, and I only own the states.**

**Massachusetts: NOBODY OWNS ME! I AM FREEEEEEEE!**

**Rambler: No you aren't. Virginia is in control of all of you. He has grounding powers and everything. Fear him.**

**Virginia: Yup. Don't make me angry. *evil grin***

**-O-O-O-**

"Hey Iowa! Neb!" Indiana knocked on the library door. "Illinois is busy, I still haven't forgiven Monty, and Ohio's in one of her 'Ohio Moods', so do you guys wanna come hang out with me in the city? We're gonna have a race today."

The nearly identical states glanced up from their reading.

"Oooh! What kind of a race?" Nebraska looked up from his book with a red Kool-Aid stained grin.

"Car racing."

"You're watching another drag race? Aren't those things illegal?" Iowa raised an eyebrow.

"Actually, only street racing is illegal."

"So in other words, yes, you want us to go to an illegal race." He gave her a look over the top of his "

Indie shrugged innocently. "Maybe..."

"I'll go! I wanna see what it's like." Nebraska turned to Iowa. "Pleeeease?"

The older state shrugged. "I guess I'll come. But only because there's nothing better to do." He crossed his arms.

"Awesome. Now come on, let's go downstairs." She grabbed Iowa's hand and dragged him out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen, with Nevada following close behind.

"HEY GINNY!" she yelled through the house.

"What? And don't call me that!" Virginia stuck his head through the doorway.

"Honestly, do you really care that much? Maryland calls you that." Indiana folded her arms.

"I just—that's different, okay?!" He glared at her. "Now what is it you want?"

"Can I take Nebraska and Iowa into the city with me? Please?" She gave a suspiciously innocent smile.

"I guess. But make sure you're back by dinner time."

"Sweet! Thanks! Let's go, you guys." Indiana grabbed the two boys and shoved them towards the door.

Virginia stopped her in the doorway. "Oh, and Indie?"

She paused in the doorway. "Yeah?"

Virginia was no fool. He had been in charge of his siblings since the 1800s. "If you're doing anything illegal, at least don't get caught this time. Dad's been in enough legal issues with his boss to last a lifetime thanks to us."

Indiana beamed. "Of course, Ginny."

And with that, she skipped out the door.

**O—O—O**

"Please don't let Iowa drive!" Nebraska begged, yanking on his sister's arm. He looked at the car in terror. "He likes scaring me..."

Iowa rolled his eyes. "Be quiet, Kool-Aid vampire."

"VAMPIRES? WHERE?!" Nebraska looked around wildly, practically tackling Iowa.

Indiana snickered. "Okay, okay. I'll drive. But there's only two seats."

"I nominate him for the trunk," Iowa muttered.

"Wh—but the trunk is dark!"

"Just share. Honestly, boys are so stupid sometimes..." she rolled her eyes and got into the driver's seat of her convertible. "You two ready to go?"

Iowa sighed and sat in the passenger's side, with Nebraska perched on the other edge of the seat. "I can't breathe," Iowa grumbled.

"Hey, you wanted to come." Indiana flashed him a grin and floored the engine. They shot out of the driveway and onto the street, speeding down the road at top speed narrowly avoiding sharp turns and obstacles.

Nebraska grinned. "This fun! Faster!"

"HOLY $%& —AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Iowa clutched the seat in terror.

Indiana cackled maniacally and drove them down another street, speeding straight towards the center of town. "Okay, guys!" she yelled over the wind. "When we get there, stay with me at all times!"

"Okay!" Nebraska yelled back.

"I'll do whatever you want if you don't kill us all driving there!" Iowa cried, hugging the seat. "I'm too young to die!"

"We're over a century old, you dolt!" Indiana called, rolling her eyes.

"If you die, I'll go to your funeral," Nebraska told him solemnly. "And I'll figure out how to make black Kool-Aid, and only drink that, even if it stains my teeth and makes me look gross when I smile."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're welcome!" Nebraska smiled again.

"We're almost there. Let's get out and walk." Indiana made yet another dangerous swerve, parked the car, and got out, dropping several coins in the parking meter.

Iowa opened the door and practically fell out of the car. "Where the #$% did you learn how to drive...?"

"I taught myself."

"...that explains a lot." Iowa stood up and looked around. "So... Where are we going?"

The alley they had parked in was between two brick buildings with chipping paint. The street ran further back between more buildings and opened onto another street.

"Follow me. It's not too far." Indiana cheerfully pulled her brothers along. They emerged onto a broad street where there were dozens of people and cars surrounding two lanes that appeared to loop around the block. Most of the people were wearing leather jackets or racing helmets. A rather scantily clad, busty blonde stood at the curb, flag in hand. She brought the flag down, and two cars took off, zooming down the street and around the corner.

Iowa and Nebraska looked around, standing extra close to their sister. "Come on. There's a grudge race up next. You two can go watch over there." Indiana pointed. "I'll be back in a couple minutes."

"Whoa, wait, you're leaving?! What about that whole 'don't leave your side ever' thing?" Iowa whirled around, but Indiana had already disappeared. "Now what?" he looked at Nebraska, who shrugged.

"We could go watch, I guess." Nebraska looked in the direction their sister had pointed. There were people milling about and exchanging money.

Iowa sighed. "Fine. Not like we have anything better to do. She had better come back soon, though. I feel weird standing here."

The two brothers sat down and watched the two cars they had seen earlier race over the finish. Two more cars, one red and one black, pulled up to the starting line, which had been marked in spray paint.

"That one looks cool." Nebraska pointed to the black car. It was covered in green flame designs.

"Sure." Iowa shrugged and watched as the blonde from earlier raised her flag again. The second the flag went down, the two cars were off. They raced down the street, the red car pulling ahead.

"How much are they racing for?" a man behind Nebraska asked the man next to him.

"However much is in that suitcase." The second man gestured to a metal case being held by a man wearing a suit close to the starting line. "I hear it's a million dollars in there."

Iowa and Nebraska looked at each other. "That's a lot..." Nebraska said slowly.

"Yeah, and the Titanic got a little wet." Iowa rolled his eyes. "It's a fortune!"

The two cars turned the final street corner, zooming over curbs and racing towards the finish. They were side by side, tires squealing. The black car pulled ahead at the last second and zoomed over the line. Nebraska and Iowa heard several groups exchanging money and grumbling.

"And the winner is... Alyssa Jones!"

Iowa and Nebraska looked at each other.

"_WHAT_?"

**-0-0-0-**

"I won us a million dollars! I had to give my convertible to someone though. So we'll probably be taking the bus home." Indiana shrugged sheepishly. "But hey, million dollars!"

Iowa and Nebraska were still gaping like fish.

"But you—What...?!" Iowa spluttered.

"Come on. Let's go find some food. I'm starving." Indiana dragged her brothers off towards the alleyway again. Suddenly, her cell phone started ringing. She stopped and pulled it out.

"Hello?"

Virginia's voice came out of the phone. "_Indie? Where are you? All of you need to be home in ten minutes."_

"Oh, is it that late already? We're on our way," she lied. "We might be a few minutes late. Traffic."

_"Okay. But don't take too long. See you when you get home_."

_BEEP_.

Indiana and Iowa looked at each other, going pale.

"We're never gonna make it home in time," Nebraska wailed.

"Wait." Iowa held up a hand, an evil grin spreading across his face. "I've got a plan."

**-0-0-0-**

Indiana and Nebraska walked up to a hairy, muscled man who was polishing a huge car.

"Hey Rufus. How's your luck been today?" Indiana leaned against the hood casually.

"Hey! Don't touch that—it's fresh polish. And I've been running a bit slow these days. I saw your little win there, though." He scowled.

"Oh. That's a shame. About you losing, I mean. But I hear there's someone who's developing a new racing fuel. He's got a table over there." Nebraska pointed.

"Racing fuel? Where?" The man dropped his polishing cloth onto the hood and turned to look.

"That way. You can't miss it." Indiana pointed towards a cluster of tables. The man hurried away. As soon as he was out of earshot, she gave Nebraska a high five. "He bought it!"

"What, did you doubt my plan?" came a voice from behind them. Iowa was sitting casually in the front seat of the man's car.

"Let's go. Do you think a quarter million is enough payment?"

"Leave a half a million. The guy has a nice car. Stereo and everything." Iowa slid over into the passenger's seat so his sister could drive, pushing the button to turn on said stereo. Rock and roll started playing.

"Fine. Half million it is." Indiana pulled out several hundred dollar bills from her winnings, dropped them on the table, and threw herself into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut.

She stomped down on the gas, not even bothering to wait for Nebraska to get in the car. He dove onto Iowa's lap and yanked the door shut. Iowa seemed not to care for once. He was busy looking out the back window. He froze. "$&%#! He's coming back! Go!"

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_Nebraska leaned across his siblings and pressed down on the horn as Indiana swerved through the cars and tables. Humans dove out of the way, yelling curses. The tires screeched as they careened through the crowd.

Nebraska squeezed his eyes shut and clung to Iowa. "I don't wanna die!"

"Watch out for that truck!" Iowa yelped to his sister.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" the two Midwest states screamed in unison as they narrowly avoided running into a building. They clung to each other in terror.

"Shut up, you wimps." Indiana shot through an alley and onto the main road. "We'll be home in about five minutes at this rate."

"GO!" Iowa yelled, looking back at the pack of angry humans chasing them.

"Right away, sir." Indiana grinned wickedly and floored the engine.

**-0-0-0-**

Five minutes and several near collisions later, they were sitting in the garage with their stolen car still running, staring at each other. Nobody spoke.

Indiana finally broke the silence. "So... same time next week?"

Iowa and Nebraska looked at each other for a long time, then back at her.

"Deal."

**END.**

**Rambler: Awwww. So Iowa can get along with Nebraska. They just both have to be scared witless.**

**Iowa: Shut up. *folds arms and glares***

**Anyways, I hope you liked that divis5! I'll start working on yours soon, Fruitstogether. But no promises as far as when it goes up. I have like 10 of these things half written... Also: YESSSSSSS THREE WHOLE REVIEWS THANK YOU. I seriously love you people. You have some great story ideas. Crazy and weird, but great. See you all next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Duh.**

**Oh—cover image isn't mine. It's lovely Fruitstogether' drawing of Ginny! ^.^**

**-0-0-0-**

Virginia walked into the kitchen with a groan and fell into one of the chairs. "Owwww... My head hurts."

"What's wrong with you this morning?" Massachusetts looked up from his bowl of mixed sugary cereals. He compiled every cereal he could find into one bowl, which created a sugar monstrosity that only he would or could eat.

"Everything," Virginia mumbled with a sneeze. He buried his head in his arms. Star and Stripe, who had been sleeping side-by-side under the table, came over and inspected him. Star put her head in his lap and looked up at him soulfully.

"Huh. Well do you want something for breakfast? Dad drank all the coffee, so now there's only enough for one cup left, and I'm not taking Maryland's coffee. I like being alive. Do we have any more?"

"...I'm going to throw up, and if you don't shut up I'm aiming for you."

Massachusetts snapped his mouth shut and scooted his chair away from Virginia.

Maryland walked in in his pajamas, still half asleep, and grabbed the coffee that was waiting on the counter. Stripe left his place by Virginia's chair and trotted over, licking the quiet state's hand.

Virginia sneezed again and groaned.

Maryland raised an eyebrow, absently petting Stripe's head.

"Morning!" Massachusetts said through a mouthful of cereal. "He's sick," he added unnecessarily, pointing to Virginia.

"I'm going back to bed," Virginia mumbled, stumbling back up the stairs and into his room.

Maryland watched him go with concern.

A few minutes later, Arizona appeared at the top of the stairs. "Hey Maryland! D.C. is crying. You should probably check on him." She slid down the railing and walked into the kitchen.

Maryland put down his toast and went upstairs.

Arizona sat down. "Any good cereal?"

"Well, I'm having Cocoa Puffs, Froot Loops, and Lucky Charms. Plus Dad bought Cookie Crunch last week, but we can't open it until we finish one of the open boxes." Massachusetts showed her his cereal bowl.

"Yuck... How can you eat them all mixed together? It's gross." She wrinkled her nose and grabbed a banana instead.

Mass shrugged. "Tastes good to me."

Maryland came back downstairs with D.C. wrapped up in his fuzzy blanket and Buzz Lightyear pajamas. "He's sick too."

D.C. opened his eyes and blinked confusedly at Massachusetts before burrowing into Maryland's arms again, whimpering.

"CALIFORNIA JUST THREW UP, AND I'M NOT CLEANING IT!" Nevada yelled from upstairs.

D.C. started crying again, which made Star and Stripe start barking loudly.

Massachusetts glanced up to the ceiling. "...Today's off to an interesting start."

**0-0-0-0**

Florida, California, New York, D.C., and Virginia were all sick with what appeared to be the flu.

Florida was the least affected, mostly fine apart from a headache, while Virginia and D.C. seemed to be the worst off. California and New York were both somewhere in the middle. That left Maryland, Massachusetts, Nevada, and Arizona to take care of them all, as everyone else wasn't home.

"I'll be fine. I just need some medicine and a nap. Wake me up at dinner time," Florida instructed, before dragging herself and her box of tissues back up to her room.

New York and California were both sitting at the kitchen table. New York was huddled under a fleece blanket with some coffee. California had a bucket on the floor next to him and was wearing an oversized hoodie with the hood pulled up. Both of them looked like zombies, barely awake.

D.C. wouldn't do anything other than cling to Maryland, refusing to be put down. He had finally fallen asleep and been left in an armchair wrapped in a heap of blankets.

Maryland had carried Virginia downstairs so that they could keep an eye on him while they took care of the others. Virginia was curled up in the corner of the couch in an old t-shirt and pajama bottoms, hugging a bucket and looking thoroughly miserable. Star was breaking all the rules and sitting on the couch next to him. Nobody had said anything, so the dog was sprawled over the cushions with her tail wagging slightly.

"Here." Nevada walked over and stuck a thermometer in Virginia's mouth before turning back to the kitchen.

Richmond the cat hissed at her from his place next to Virginia. In one of his rare moments of feline affection, Richmond had apparently decided that today nobody was allowed anywhere near Virginia.

Virginia groaned. "I just want to go back to bed... Do I have to do the thermometer?"

"Yes," Maryland replied.

Nevada came back a few minutes later. She whistled. "104.2. You, sir, are definitely sick."

"Go away.." Virginia mumbled, hiding his face in a pillow and yanking his blanket over his head.

"Marylaaaaaand New York hit me!" Massachusetts stuck his head out of the kitchen. Richmond purred happily. The cat seemed to have an intense loathing for Massachusetts.

"Good. Be quiet and help out or I'll hit you too." Maryland glared at him.

"Geez. I'll help. Now outta my way." Massachusetts shoved paced back and forth in front of the couch. "Okay, Ginny. Hurry up and get better. I can't take care of sick people. Heck—I can't even take care of healthy people! Remember that time when D.C. was a baby?!"

"All too well," Virginia and Maryland said at the same time. To make a long story short, Massachusetts was no longer trusted with small children.

"And don't call me Ginny," Virginia mumbled with the only glare he could manage. He winced. "Now stop talking. My head hurts..." He pulled the blankets over his head, patted Star's head, and retreated into his hole of animals and misery.

Massachusetts sighed and walked back into the kitchen, running a hand through his hair. "How many hours until Dad gets home...?"

Nevada glanced at the clock, looking up from the soup she was making. "Six. Could you throw this away Ari?" She handed Arizona an empty can.

Massachusetts groaned and slid into one of the seats at the table. "Six whole hours?!"

"Thank goodness Alaska is in Russia. Hawaii is in Japan, right?" Arizona glanced at her older sister.

"Right. Ugh, if we had three toddlers with the flu I don't think I could even handle _one_ hour," Nevada muttered.

"As it is, I don't think I'm going to survive for six more hours," Massachusetts complained.

"SHUT. UP," California and New York practically screamed. New York groaned and pulled his blanket over his head like a hood.

"I made lunch," Nevada announced. "Cal, you had better eat this and like it, because I'm not making you anything else. Arizona made toast too."

"I made you extra," the ten-year-old informed New York.

"Ugh... God, I would love you for that on any other day..." New York shoved the plate away and buried his head in his arms. "Please don't make me eat..."

"Soup?" California looked up hopefully. "Hey... You made the good kind!"

"Well, you appear to be dying over there in that corner, so I figured I'd be nice for a day. But trust me, the second you get better I'll punch your lights out. This is not how I like spending my Saturdays." Nevada set down the bowl and crossed her arms.

"D.C. wants lunch too," Arizona reported, walking out of the living room. "And I'm guessing Virginia doesn't want to eat right now, since he threw up the second I mentioned food."

New York sneezed and groaned. "$& #ing flu... Give me some soup." He grabbed a tissue, still muttering curses.

Maryland walked in carrying D.C., who was rubbing his eyes sleepily. "I don't wanna eat soup," the toddler mumbled, looking up at Nevada.

"Here, you know what you can have?" Arizona ran to the freezer and pulled out a cherry popsicle. "Before lunch and everything. That's what Dad lets me have when I get sick."

The toddler looked up at Maryland with wide eyes, wondering if he was really allowed.

Maryland nodded, and D.C. immediately stuck the frozen treat into his mouth.

"Go ahead and eat it. Just don't tell Ginny we let you have sugar." Massachusetts grinned.

"I can hear you," Virginia called weakly from the living room. "And I want a grape one."

Nevada snickered.

"Coming, your highness!" Massachusetts called back, rolling his eyes.

"I'll throw up on you," Virginia threatened.

Massachusetts grabbed the popsicle out of Arizona's hands. "Take it!"

** -0-0-0-**

Three hours later, the states were all sitting on the couch. Richmond was sleeping draped over Maryland's shoulders, and the two dogs were lying on the floor next to the T.V.

Florida had finally left the confines of her room, and New York and Cal had somehow mustered the energy to get up and walk over.

D.C. was huddled under the blankets with Virginia, now eating another popsicle. He was beaming despite being sick. He was, after all, a toddler with sugar. Sugar made any situation a good one.

Virginia was barely awake, his head falling onto Maryland's shoulder every few seconds before he jolted himself awake again. His glasses were crooked, but he hadn't noticed.

They were watching Tangled. California was muttering something about Disney, which immediately sparked an argument over Disney Land vs. Disney World between he and Florida. New York had decided to sleep instead of watching, so Mass was putting Hawaii's hair bows and New Mexico's pink highlights in his hair while he slept. He would never pass up on a chance to bug New York. Unless he could set something on fire if he didn't. And setting fire to a house full of sick people might not end well.

Thus, the hair bows.

"This part is scary!" D.C. pulled the blanket up over his face as the scene changed from a happy festival of lanterns to Rapunzel being stolen away back to the tower.

Massachusetts rolled his eyes and reached for another hair bow. "Oh, please. The villain lady isn't nearly evil enough. This movie is lame."

"You haven't watched the ending," Virginia mumbled sleepily, closing his eyes.

"What? What happens at the ending?!" He whirled around.

Virginia was already asleep.

Ten minutes later, Massachusetts, as the only one who had never watched the movie before, was gaping at the screen. "He's dead!" Massachusetts yelped.

Maryland smirked. It was a shame Virginia was missing this.

"Ahh! Scary!" D.C. hid his face in Maryland's shirt.

"Wait, what? Now he's... Not dead? What the heck is wrong with this movie? It doesn't even make any sense!"

"It does too," California interrupted. "It's awesome! Not as awesome as Frozen, but still!"

Florida grinned, watching Massachusetts' confusion. "D.C., you can look now," she told the capital.

D.C. opened one eye cautiously. "Is it the kissy part?"

"Yes," Maryland said, and put one hand over D.C.'s eyes.

**0-0-0**

Nevada made them all cereal for dinner. "The president called. Dad's not going to be home until eight tonight."

"Great," California muttered.

"So what are we going to do for... Two more hours?" Massachusetts looked at the clock and opened the pantry door.

"Play 'murder Massachusetts'?" New York had been dubbed completely healthy after giving Mass a black eye. He still couldn't figure out how to get the pink out of his hair, though.

"I'm good with that," agreed Florida. "As long as we do it creatively. Like with a pool noodle. Or a banana."

Maryland shook his head. Nevada glanced over at him. "Maryland's right. You guys should all do something calm, like reading or Monopoly. Even though you're feeling better, you have to take it easy."

Massachusetts stuck his head out of the pantry. "Okay first of all, thank you for saving my life with those words of wisdom, second of all, there is literally nothing about Monopoly that would be calm in our family."

Virginia made a muffled little noise of agreement from his cocoon of blankets in the corner of the kitchen. He had managed to drag himself into the kitchen and over to the table, and was now barely visible under the heap of blankets. "Don't play Monopoly."

"Okay, how about chess?" New York grinned.

"Okay," Virginia agreed quietly.

"That's boring. I say video games! I need to kill stuff." Massachusetts grinned evilly.

"You play video games, we play chess. Problem solved." New York rolled his eyes.

Five minutes later, Massachusetts, Florida, California, and Nevada were playing some kind of shooting game, and Virginia and New York were playing chess. D.C. was already asleep and still refused to let Maryland put him down. Stripe was barking at the T.V. every time it made a gunshot sound.

"You're probably going to win," Virginia sighed, looking over the board. "I feel like I'm going to fall asleep any second now."

"But you've been sleeping all day! I stole your rook."

"Thank you." Virginia snatched up New York's bishop and his knight.

"Wha—how did you do that?" New York gaped.

"Magic," Virginia muttered, and yawned, putting his head down on the table. Richmond butted his head against Virginia and meowed.

"He's cheating!"

"No, he's just really good at chess. Now shut up so I can beat Mass." Nevada scowled at the TV, where Massachusetts' character was shooting hers repeatedly. Mass cackled and fired another round. "Stop shooting me!"

"Kill him, Nevada!" California yelled. "Whack him with a stick!"

"I don't have a stick! You have the stick!"

"Well then shoot him!"

"Too late! On to my next victim!" Massachusetts' character started attacking California.

"&$ # this, I'm going to go play a game where shooting Mass is the point." New York sighed and gave up on playing chess.

"Mm-hmm..." Virginia was already falling asleep.

**-0-0-0-**

America pushed open the door quietly. It was eight o'clock, and the house was dark. He walked into the kitchen and set down a stack of papers with a sigh.

As he passed the living room, he saw Virginia sleeping on the couch with D.C. on top of him, both buried in blankets. Maryland was sitting on the couch next to them, knees hugged to his chest and half asleep. The T.V. was on, and New York and Massachusetts were playing some kind of video game on mute and holding a furious argument in sign language as they played. A box of Popsicles sat on the coffee table, underneath D.C.'s teddy bear and a thermometer.

America stared in confusion. "Uh... I'm home."

Maryland jolted out of his sleepy state and whirled around, New York and Massachusetts both jumping in surprise. Virginia groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes, shifting the sleeping toddler to sit on his lap.

"You missed an interesting day." Massachusetts informed him.

"Basically Cal, me, Ginny—I mean Virginia, Florida, and D.C. all got the flu." New York gave a lopsided grin.

"He threatened to barf on me. Twice." Massachusetts pointed at Virginia.

"Shhh! D.C. is still asleep!" Virginia hissed.

"Sorry," Massachusetts whispered back.

America tried in vain to follow the line of conversation.

"Basically all of us are pretty much fine now," New York explained, also in a whisper. "Ginny should probably have some medicine, though. And D.C. is gonna be super hyper when he wakes up, until the Popsicles wear off."

"I'm going back to sleep." Virginia rebuilt his cocoon of blankets and curled around D.C.'s sleeping form. Maryland closed his eyes and buried his legs in the blanket pile. D.C. rolled over and hugged Maryland's leg, one hand clutching the hem of Virginia's t-shirt.

"Well, I'm going up to bed," Massachusetts decided.

New York nodded. "Me too. 'Night, Dad." Both states disappeared up into their rooms.

America looked back at Virginia and Maryland, but they were both fast asleep.

He blinked, completely lost. "Wait, what...?"

**END.**

**I wrote this because my boyfriend was sick all week T.T (but he's all better now—yay!) and it made me think of what happens when the states get sick (with human illnesses, not something like the Depression). Plus I was feeling kind of icky myself, and I needed this to make me feel better.**

**And three reviews! c(^.^c) hugs to all of you!**

**Now: CANADIAN READERS. I NEED YOUR HELP. I am but an American from Ohio. I have been to your lovely country only once. But I want to add the Canadian provinces in. So please, please help me!**

**~See you all next time.**


	7. Chapter 7

**WOOOO! REVIEWS! You people rock. (::) (::) (::) here are your cookies. This oneshot was requested by Fruitstogether (the one with the awesome drawings) in the best three-word review I have ever recieved, which goes as follows:**

**Pancake war. Fire.**

**Glorious. Anyways, hope you like it, Fruits!**

**Disclaimer by Maryland: ...*silent stare***

**Better Disclaimer by Massachusetts: What the weirdly silent one means is that Rambler only owns us. But soon we shall be FREE! LIKE SCOTLAND!**

**Rambler: No. Not really. *hides behind Maryland to avoid Massachusetts' death glare* Besides they didn't even gain independence.**

**-0-0-0-0-**

America threw open the front door. "HEY GUYS! We're very possibly going to die unless Monty is home!"

Virginia looked over the railing down to the living room and sighed. "What did you do this time, Dad?"

America looked down guiltily, kicking at the rug. "..I kind of maybe made a bet with Canada... about pancakes."

"Yup. We're dead. I'll go find Vermont." Virginia sighed turned to open the younger state's purple and gold-painted door.

Three toddler voices squealed. "Daddy's home!"

Hawaii ran in, her two brothers right behind her. All three toddlers hugged America's legs happily.

"Was my daddy at the meeting? Did he say hi?" Alaska looked up hopefully. "Massachusetts says that you go to Daddy's house every day. Do you?"

America ignored the last part. "Yeah, Russia was there. His boss isn't too happy with the U.S. right now, though. So he and I aren't allowed to talk to each other. Sorry, buddy." Alaska pouted. "But I'm going to Moscow with my boss next week. You can come with me if you want. Now where on earth is your brother?" America looked up to the top of the staircase and cupped his hands around his mouth. "VERMONT!"

Several seconds later, Virginia appeared, dragging along Vermont, who had most likely just gotten out of bed. "I found him, Dad!"

"What day is it...?" Vermont groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Tuesday!" Hawaii replied. "Or Thursday. One of the T days... I think. Daddy, what day is it?"

"Saturday."

"Thanks," Vermont muttered sarcastically. Virginia kicked him in the shin. "What do you need, Dad?" He started down the stairs.

"How many pancakes can you make?"

"Uh... I don't know. Depends how much buttermilk we've got. Why?"

"You and Canada have a pancake battle in an hour."

"WHAT?!"

Alfred grinned sheepishly. "Yeah... Sorry about that. I wasn't really paying attention last night, and he said something, and then I said something stupid—"

"What he means is that they all got drunk out of their minds at the meeting and he ended up making and impossible bet with Canada. Right, Dad?" Virginia folded his arms and shot a look at America, who froze like a deer caught in the headlights, then nodded slowly.

"Up!" D.C. lifted up his arm and bounced up and down until Virginia picked him up.

"Well, what do we do?" Vermont raised an eyebrow.

"We beat Canada, obviously. So get out if your pajamas and get moving—it's past noon, for God's sake!"

"Okay. Where's the flour?" Vermont ignored the order to change and tugged on his favorite apron over the pajamas.

"You used it all up last week, remember?" Alaska pointed to the basement door. "When my Daddy and mister England came over for breakfast."

"Fine. Dad, buy some more flour. And I mean a literal ton of flour. We're gonna need a lot. And baking soda, while you're at it. I think were out of that, too. Alaska, Hawaii, you guys can help. D.C., you can too, but you need to be very careful." Vermont tied the apron, then turned and started off to the kitchen, three hyper toddlers trailing after him.

"What's going on? Massachusetts poked his head out the basement door curiously.

"Pancake war," Virginia replied.

"Oooh. Can I cook?"

"NO," everyone responded immediately.

Mass pouted. "You guys are no fun."

"You setting the house on fire is also no fun. Now I'm going upstairs to call the rest of the Thirteen. We need all the help we can get." And with that, Virginia disappeared back up the steps.

**-0-0-0-**

One hour later, Hawaii, Alaska, Delaware, Massachusetts, Georgia, Maryland, D.C., Virginia, New York, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Connecticut, New Jersey, North and South Carolina, and Pennsylvania were standing in the kitchen in front of Vermont, lined up like soldiers.

"Okay. Hawaii, D.C. and Alaska, you three are in charge of mixing things and pouring ingredients into bowls."

"Sir, yes sir!" they cried together, saluting as one.

"Mass, Georgia, and Penny, you three measure everything out. Mass, no cooking. At all." Vermont leveled a glare for good measure.

"Sir, yes sir," Mass muttered grumpily, saluting with his sisters.

"Maryland and Virginia... I don't really know. I shouldn't boss you two around. You decide." Vermont shrugged.

"We'll make sure the little kids don't make a mess," Virginia offered. "And we can help out with whatever else you need."

Maryland nodded and did a salute.

"Okay. New York, you can help me with the cooking. The rest of you are on Canada's side."

"What?" South Carolina turned and looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Look, if all of you are helping me, it won't be fair. Uncle Mattie needs someone to help him too."

"And no sabotage, guys. Got it, Jersey?—Aleksei, don't touch that." Virginia pulled a kitchen knife out of Alaska's reach as he spoke, shooting New Jersey a pointed look while Alaska pouted.

"Yeah, yeah." New Jersey sighed. "But it was totally York's fault that day."

"Was not! And you're the one who ran off to Taiwan for a week!" New York shot back.

"Yeah, because—"

"ENOUGH!" Connecticut whacked them over the heads with the book in her hand, then immediately went back to reading. "Go on, Monty."

"Thank you for that. Get to work, everybody!" Vermont pointed with his spatula.

America stuck his head in the doorway. "Guys, he's here! And he didn't bring your cousins."

"Thank God," New York muttered.

Massachusetts nodded. "Yeah... Quebec is a d—"

"Language, Mass." Virginia put D.C. down and covered the two-year-old's ears.

"Whatever, Ginny. Hey Uncle Mattie." Mass waved to Canada, who had appeared behind America out of nowhere.

"GAH! Don't DO that, bro!" America whirled around to see Canada standing there with Kumajirou.

"Hi." Canada waved back at Massachusetts. "And I did say hello. But you didn't hear me..."

Alfred blinked. "Oh. Well... uh... Hi. Ready for a butt-kicking?" He grinned.

"No. Are you?" Canada set Kumajirou down and walked into the kitchen. "Hello Vermont."

"MR. KUMA!" Alaska and Hawaii practically tackled the polar bear, squealing with glee. D.C. giggled and hugged Kumajirou's furry neck. Kumajirou, more than used to this sort of treatment after years of baby states and provinces, simply sat down with a sigh, preparing to accept his fate of painted claws and hair bows.

"Okay then... well, these guys are all yours. Order 'em around all you want." America guestured to the half of the Thirteen not currently allied with Vermont.

"We're gonna crush them," New Jersey declared to Canada.

"Could you two please go get some bowls out?" Canada asked the Carolina twins politely.

"Sure! Come on South." North Carolina bounced away, tugging her reluctant twin with her by the arm.

"Okay. You guys have two hours. I'm gonna get us some judges. Have fun. Don't blow up the house." Canada and the states fixed him with half-annoyed deadpan looks. "I don't wanna die, so I'm just gonna go now..." America grinned nervously and ran off to the garage. "BYE!" he yelled, slamming the door.

There were a few seconds of silence.

"He's going to McDonalds," Virginia declared.

Everyone else, including Canada, nodded. "Undeniably."

"Well... should we start?" New York looked at the others.

"Sure." Vermont shook hands with Canada, then turned to his half of the kitchen counter, while Canada went to his own.

"Whoever makes the best pancakes wins. Make as many as you can. Ready?" Connecticut looked up at the wall clock. "Three... two... one... GO!"

And with that, the madness began.

**-0-0-0**-

"How many pancakes have we made?" Vermont asked New York.

"The two teams combined? Over five hundred by now, probably. We have an hour left."

"I'm calling a time out. I'm hungry, and Virginia's going to kill me if D.C. doesn't get his nap."

"Good idea. Watch that bottom left one. It's getting singed." New York pointed with his spatuala as Vermont quickly saved the pancake.

The door flew open with a bang. "I got us some judges!" America beamed, then frowned thoughtfully. "Actually, I got us everybody we know." Behind him stood Denmark, Norway, Germany, North Italy, France, England, Japan, and Russia. "At least, everybody that could come."

"Mein Bruder is at home with Berlin. He and Romano are babysitting Lukas and Rome," Germany explained. "...and I still don't think we should have trusted them alone. Gilbert is always giving Lukas sweets before dinner." Italy giggled as Germany gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Sealand caught the flu, so Sve and Fin are too busy to come. And Sve makes gross food anyways." Denmark made a face. "And Iceland has another volcanic eruption. Convenient, isn't it?" Norway gave him a swift kick to the shin, then gave his equivalent of a smile as the Dane hopped around in pain.

"Frog follwed me. I didn't want him here." England glared at the Frenchman admiring himself in the hall mirror. "Stupid perverted French b—"

"DADDY!" Alaska cut off whatever else England was going to call France and hugged Russia happily.

The other states stared. "Dad, how the heck did you get every nation on earth here in just an hour?" Georgia asked.

"Magic," replied America. When they looked at him oddly, he explained.. "Seriously. Norway's troll was very helpful. Even if it does smell like moldy cheese." Apparently this was true, as none of the countries voiced disagreement.

"Time-out?" Vermont glanced at Canada.

"Agreed." Matthew put down his mixing bowl.

"You guys wanna take a lunch break?" America looked to Canada. "We could eat some of the pancakes..."

"Sure." Canada nodded and Vermont shrugged.

"Oooh, good idea!" Italy beamed. "Pancakes!"

"Da, we will have pancakes, Fredka."

"Okay then. To the dining room!" America grinned and led the line of countries into the next room.

**-0-0-0-**

Ten minutes later, countries and states alike were eating and doing what they did best: arguing

"I wanna make more pancakes," Alaska whispered to Hawaii. The two littlest states were sitting next to each other on the floor, under the table where all the nations were seated.

"Oooh... okay. Let's go!" Hawaii grabbed her brother's hand and ran out from under the table and into the hallway. The grown-up nations were so distracted that they didn't seem to notice. The two four-year-old states ran into the kitchen. "What goes in pancakes anyway?" Hawaii asked.

"Flour, something else, and something wet. I think water. Or maybe milk." Alaska grabbed a big bag of flour as his sister set down a bowl.

"I think it's water. And baking soda?"

"I can't find it. Let's just use flour and water. That's close enough, right?" Alaska dumped the entire bag of flour into the bowl, releasing a huge puff of white powder into the air.

"Achoo!" Alaska and Hawaii sneezed at the same time.

"I'll add the water!" Hawaii grabbed a cup that was half-filled with orange juice and dumped the juice out in the sink. She filled the cup up as much as possible, then poured it into the bowl. "Do you think that's enough?"

"Here, let me!" Alaska grabbed the bowl and shoved it under the running water. "If we do this, it fills up quick. See?" He set the now brimming bowl back down on the counter and stirred it with a wooden spoon. "Now what?"

"I think we cook it now. How do we make it into the pancake shapes?" Hawaii looked at their bowl of sticky sludge.

"I know! We can just put the whole bowl on the griddle! Then it'll make one big pancake for everyone to share, like a cake!" Alaska beamed at his brilliant plan.

"Ooh! That makes sense!" Hawaii grabbed the big red mixing bowl and set it on the middle of the pancake griddle. The two states dragged over a stool and stood next to each other on it, watching excitedly.

**-0-0-0-**

Virginia sighed as America and England started arguing. Russia and France were being no help at all, standing there snickering, and Massachusetts was just egging them on.

Suddenly, he noticed the distinct lack of childish giggling in the air. He frowned and looked under the table. No Hawaii. No Alaska.

"Maryland, where did Hawaii and Aleksei go?"

The blonde-haired state glanced under the table, then shrugged.

And then the smoke detectors went off.

"It wasn't me!" Massachusetts yelped immediately.

Virginia and Maryland looked a each other, then turned and ran down the hall.

"OUR PANCAKES!" Vermont and Canada cried at the same time. They ran down the hall after the two states.

When they all reached the kitchen, they stopped in the doorway and stared.

Alaska was standing on tiptoe on a stool, stirring a smoking bowl of glop. Red plastic was slowly dripping to the floor from the griddle, where the bowl was melting. Hawaii was standing on the floor next to him mixing another bowl of flour. She looked up and smiled. "Hi!"

Maryland quickly pulled Alaska away from the griddle and set him on the other end of the kitchen, spatula smoking slightly. Then he took away Hawaii's wooden spoon while Virginia attempted to put out the flaming pancakes. Or rather, the flaming attempt at pancakes.

America walked into the room, pushing aside Canada and Vermont, who were frozen in their expressions of disbelief. Russia leaned in the doorway behind him.

"Daddy! We made pancakes!" Alaska ran over when he spotted Russia.

The northern nation took in the smoking mess of melted plastic and attempted pancake batter, as well as the two states trying to put it out.

"...yes you did."

"You two are getting the world's longest time-out for this," America declared.

The two toddlers nodded and looked at the floor.

America crouched down to their height. "But I have to say, you two cook way better than Grandpa England."

Hawaii giggled.

England stuck his head through the doorway. "I heard that!"

The flaming griddle was finally extinguished. "I'm guessing this bet isn't having a winner? We can't cook anything now." Virginia shot a glance at the griddle, which was still smoldering.

"Who cares? We get to eat like two hundred pancakes now!" New York grinned.

Massachusetts smirked. "Not if I get there first!"

"PANCAKE FIGHT!" Twelve states and a nation raced down the hallway to grab their ammunition. America grabbed Russia by the hand and dragged him with them.

"Wh—get back here!" England put his hands on his hips. "This is ridiculous! You can't—!"

And then a pancake whacked him in the face.

**END  
**

**-0-0-0-**

**Ugh. i could NOT come up with an ending. But I'm pretty happy with this one. And Canada got to invade America's house! Kinda. And in other news, my little brother got a trumpet. IT SOUNDS LIKE A THOUSAND DYING ANIMALS WAILING IN AGONY. SAVE ME.**

**Canada: CANADIAN INVASION TIME *leads his provinces into battle against the states***

**Virginia: HOLY F*** SOMEONE HELP *hugs D.C.***

**Maryland: ...Don't touch Ginny.**

**Virginia: NOT WHAT I MEANT.**

**See you all next time! And thanks for the reviews!**


	8. Chapter 8

**REVIEWERS! WHERE DID YOU ALL GO? COME BACK. I LOVE YOU. **

**I feel so lonely now...**

**Disclaimer: 'Murica ain't mine.**

**-0-0-0-**

Time: Present: Roughly 10:30 P.M.

Location: America's House (Washington D.C.)

**-0-0-0-**

New York blinked. "...I'm doing WHAT?!"

"We need to get to Russia. Since _he _won'tlet me fly the plane—" Virginia glared at Maryland, who leveled a blank stare back at him. "—and the only other ones home are D.C., Hawaii, and Alaska, we need you." The three toddlers were all gathered around Virginia's feet, wearing pajamas. Hawaii was hugging his leg and rubbing her eyes, while Alaska tugged on Virginia's sleeve. D.C. yawned, and Ginny picked him up.

"...Russia? At this hour? Isn't it like six in the morning there?"

"Something is going on, and Dad needs us to get him out of there." Virginia sighed. D.C. stuck his thumb in his mouth.

"So fly us to Russia," Maryland told New York flatly.

"But I'm not a good pilot! And I kinda suck at landing..." he mumbled.

"And that's why I should fly the plane," Virginia said with a pointed look at Maryland, shifting D.C. to his other hip.

"No."

"But I—"

"No."

"It's okay, Ginny. I'll do it," New York sighed, interrupting.

"Then let's go. And don't call me Ginny!"

**O-O-O-O**

The six states made their way to the basement, where a giant aircraft hanger with their jet parked in it waited. Maryland carried Hawaii and Alaska, while Virginia held D.C. Since nobody was home, they were going to have to bring the littlest states with them.

New York walked to the jet and opened the side hatch. He frowned. "Stepladder's broken. Getting up will be hard."

The other two teens eyed the opening, five feet off the ground. Virginia was barely tall enough to see inside it.

Maryland was the tallest, at almost 6' 2", and the only one even close to being able to enter the doorway. He frowned, then lifted Hawaii and Alaska up enough that they could scramble up. Virginia handed him D.C., and he did the same for the youngest.

He turned around and looked at Virginia for a moment. Virginia nodded and turned to face New York. "He can lift me up, and then probably you. Then both of us pull him up. It shouldn't be too hard to get up there." How his brother got all that from one look, New York would never know. It was one of Virginia's weird abilities. He always seemed to understand what Maryland meant with his silence.

"Okay." New York stepped back and watched Virginia scramble into the jet. Within a few minutes, everyone was buckled into a seat, Virginia punching in the coordinates of whatever city it was America needed rescuing from.

"That dumb ladder better be the only part of this plane that's broken," New York muttered. "I swear, if the rest of this trip is anything like the beginning... How long will this take?"

"At top speed? Five hours." Virginia looked up from the computer.

"Can we visit my daddy?" Alaska piped up.

"Not today, kiddo. I don't think his boss is in the best mood towards us Americans, judging by this text message." Virginia held up his phone.

The top of the screen said "Dad" as the contact name.

"'COME HELP ME NOW GUYS RUSSIA'S BOSS = NOT HAPPY' ... Uh oh." Hawaii read aloud. "Is Daddy in trouble?"

"He probably made a big stink about those Russian McDonald's again." New York rolled his eyes.

"Or maybe he an' Mr. Russia skipped a meeting," D.C. giggled.

"Maybe they went ice skating! Ice skating is fun! Uncle Mattie taught me it!" Alaska grinned and tried to skate around the cabin in his socks.

"Don't do that, Aleksei. You'll slip and get hurt," Virginia said without turning around.

"Aww... You're boring," the little state grumbled.

"Yes I am. Now sit down."

Alaska gave a dramatic sigh and scrambled into his seat, buckling himself back into his harness.

"Hey Ginny?" New York looked up from his control panel. "Five hours from D.C. to Moscow? Just how fast does this thing go?"

"Don't call me that. And... I don't know." He glanced at the controls and raised one eyebrow. "Fast."

"Military test plane. Probably about two years old," Maryland said with a glance over the many controls. "About 950 miles per hour. Not including wind speed and other things like that."

New York raised an eyebrow. Maryland hadn't said that much out loud in a long time.

His brother shrugged.

"Okay then... are we ready?" New York looked around the small cabin. There was one seat with basic controls, where the pilot sat, two more near the computer and navigation systems, and four seats for passengers, usually soldiers or important members of the government, and in this case three toddlers. There was also a small medical cot in the back.

"Yes!" Hawaii chirped from her seat. D.C. nodded, while Alaska hugged his teddy bear and mumbled something quietly.

Maryland hit a button on the controls, and the roof of the hanger slowly opened.

Virginia looked up at the doors that rose up out of the backyard. "$&%#. The doors just crushed Wisconsin's violets. We're dead."

New York gave a forced smile. "Wisconsin is least of our problems as far as death."

Alaska immediately started crying, which immediately made his two younger siblings start wailing as well. "I don't wanna die!" the northern state wailed.

Virginia turned around. "Nobody is going to die. Calm down."

Hawaii sniffled. "B-but he said—"

"It was a joke. RIGHT, York?" Virginia said through his teeth.

"Yeah. Totally joking." he muttered.

The floor started to rise, lifting the plane out of the basement and onto the runway (yes, their backyard had a runway). Maryland sat down in the chair beside Virginia with the navigation equipment and strapped on his own harness. New York grabbed the controls. "Ready for takeoff?"

Five yesses sounded from the other states.

When they were level with the ground, they began moving forward, faster and faster until they left the ground. While New York worked the controls, D.C. and the other two toddlers twisted in their safety harnesses to try and glimpse out the front of the plane—the sole window.

"We're going fast," Alaska marveled, watching the ground disappear in a matter of seconds. They continued going up, almost vertical at times. New York banked, turning them in a wide circle to face east. The plane leveled out, still zooming at almost impossibly high speeds.

Once they were level, Virginia turned to face the toddlers. "Since it's way past your bedtimes, you all need to go to sleep, okay?" He pointed to the cot built into the wall.

"But I'm not—" Alaska yawned. "...sleepy."

"Yes you are. Besides, you'll be bored anyways." Virginia smiled slightly.

Maryland walked over and sat down on one edge of the cot. Reluctantly, the three toddlers followed.

For nearly half an hour, they flew on in silence, New York occasionally adjusting their altitude or checking the radar for other planes (and aliens, because New Mexico swore they existed).

Finally, Virginia turned around to see if they were asleep. New York heard him laugh quietly and turned around, letting the plane move straight ahead by itself.

Maryland had all three toddlers passed out in a puppy pile on top of him. D.C. was hugging Maryland's arm, while Hawaii sucked her thumb and Alaska curled up against his side. All of them were fast asleep.

"He's like a giant teddy bear," New York said with a snort.

"Yeah." Virginia shook his head with a slight smile. "Now get back to those controls, Mr. Pilot. And watch out for flying saucers."

**-0-0-0-0-**

Four hours later, they were flying through the skies over Moscow. Maryland was awake and sitting next to Virginia by the computer, though the three little kids were still asleep.

"I guess we should land so we can find Dad." Virginia looked out the window.

New York chewed his lip. "Okay."

They slowly started to descend.

"...this is a really bad time for me to remember how bad at landing I am."

"Oh, great." That was all Virginia had time to say before a wall of snow knocked them sideways. They banked steeply and flew straight down.

The three toddlers screamed. Virginia grabbed Maryland's arm and closed his eyes. Maryland ducked his head and braced himself. New York pulled back on the controls as far as he could, trying to point the nose upwards once more.

Just a few hundred feet from the ground, they managed to pull out of their vertical dive, zoom low over houses and streets, and finally crash down in a snowy front yard.

For a moment, nobody moved from where they had been thrown.

Maryland crawled out from underneath a bank of controls, rubbing his head. The three toddlers were hugging each other and the sides of their cot for dear life, eyes wide with terror. D.C. wordlessly reached up both arms for Virginia.

"Are we dead?" Alaska asked, uncovering one eye.

"We're letting Dad fly on the way home," Virginia told New York flatly, standing up and picking up D.C., who immediately buried his face in Virginia's t-shirt. "And I think we're alive. Heaven definitely isn't this cold."

New York tried to untangle himself from his seatbelt. "I told you guys I really sucked at landing!"

"No kidding. But at least we aren't dead." Virginia sighed and turned to the exit hatch. He shoved the huge door open, then turned to the others. "Well, we landed tilted, so it's a pretty big jump down. But there's about three feet of snow down there, so..." He shrugged and jumped out.

Alaska peered over the edge, where Virginia was sitting in the snow, looking up at them. "That looks fun! I wanna go!" He closed his eyes and leapt off, Hawaii right behind him.

"It's cold!" Hawaii shrieked when she landed.

"It's snow," Alaska replied. "Of course it's cold! My Daddy says General Winter brings it."

Maryland and New York joined them all in the snow. D.C. was sitting on Maryland's shoulders. He wasn't tall enough to stand in the snow without being buried completely.

"So where's Dad?" New York looked around the snowy street for a sign of where they should go.

Suddenly, the front door of the house opened with a bang. A little old lady ran out of the house, waving around her cane and screaming in Russian. A yippy little dog ran out into the snow, snarling and barking.

The three older states looked at each other.

"_RUN!"_ New York yelled. They each grabbed a toddler and took off down the street, racing away through the snow.

**-0-0-0-**

If anyone looked out their window that day in Russia, they would have seen three teenage boys in jeans and t-shirts, carrying three toddlers in pajamas down the snowy streets at almost noon, chased by an angry senior citizen and a tiny black dog.

"Did we lose her yet?" New York gasped.

Alaska looked back, his arms wrapped tight around New York's neck. "She's gone!"

The states half-ran, half-fell into an alleyway.

"Thank god it was just a little old lady. If it was a big lumberjack guy or something we'd be dead." Virginia leaned around the corner, setting D.C. down. "I do feel bad about her yard, though. How do we make it up to her?"

"Send money?" New York shrugged. "Who knows? Besides, it's probably no big deal."

"Where's Daddy?" Hawaii asked, tugging on Virginia's sleeve.

"I have no idea." Virginia pulled out his phone. "I'll text him, I guess."

A few minutes later, Virginia's phone gave a little "ding!" noise. "_On my way, run for your I'm-not-reading-that-word-out loud-in-front-of-the-little-kids-ing lives,_" New York read over his brother's shoulder. "What the heck did he do?" He shook his head.

"I don't even care, I just want to go home. How do we get past that old lady and back to the jet? And more importantly, can we even still fly the jet?"

New York frowned. "It should fly okay. It just landed on its side. And if it doesn't, Russia won't let anything happen to Alaska..."

Virginia sighed. "That's the best we're going to get, I suppose—Maryland, what are you doing?"

Maryland was stomping down the snow in a small circle. "So they can stand up without being buried up to their necks," he mumbled in explanation, nodding towards Hawaii, Alaska, and D.C., who were sitting in the snow next to each other, starting to rub their eyes and yawn sleepily.

Suddenly, dozens of pounding feet sounded on the pavement. D.C. whimpered and reached for Maryland, while the other states looked around in confusion.

And then a very familiar blonde, 6'1" figure in a bomber jacket ran past, quickly followed by twenty men in heavy boots and military clothing, all armed with rifles.

"$&%#... He ticked off the entire army?" New York whispered from their group huddle behind a dumpster.

"Apparently. Either that or the president. Should we rescue him?" Virginia looked like he was seriously considering leaving America in Russia.

"The alleys are all connected. We've gotta outrun them, then grab Dad when they turn a corner," New York declared. He started running, lifting Hawaii on his back. Maryland grabbed Alaska and pulled Virginia along with him.

After several minutes they reached an intersection in the road,

Where they crouched down, ready to wait.

**-0-0-0-**

America raced around the corner, only to be tackled and knocked to the ground in the alley. He tried to escape, but a hand covered his mouth.

"Shhh!" someone behind him hissed. The soldiers ran past.

Once they were gone, America twisted free, whirling around to face his captors.

"Kids?"

"Hi Dad." Virginia gave a little wave. Maryland and New York let go of America.

Hawaii scrambled through a snowdrift. "Daddy, guess what? We stayed up past bedtime!"

Alaska nodded eagerly. "And then we crash landed in a big pile of snow, and a mean puppy and an old lady started yelling and chasing us!"

"I'm cold!" D.C. sneezed. "And that puppy was mean."

"...what?" America blinked.

"New York crashed the plane in some poor old lady's front yard. Because _someone _wouldn't let me pilot." Virginia glared at Maryland.

"We should get back to the plane. Come on." New York stood up. "Before that last reports us to the police. Plus the Bratva* wasn't too happy with me last time I came here..." He looked around nervously at the last part.

"Aww... I wanted to go see my Daddy!" Alaska looked up pleadingly.

"Sorry kiddo, but not today. Let's go. We don't need Mass freaking out at us because York got near up yet again. Come on, Dad." Virginia pulled America to his feet.

They trudged back through the snowy morning city, still looking like quite an odd group. They attracted quite a few confused states from passer-by.

Finally, they reached the little house with the black hulk of the plane laying in the yard. Police tape was sectioning it off, and it bore the marks of a large crowd having been gathered around, though everyone seemed to be gone.

America scrambled up inside first, ducking through the yellow tape and using a crushed shrub as a step to get up. He looked back when he reached the hatch. The group if soldiers was shouting in Russian, running towards them. "They're coming! Hurry!"

The six states climbed up as fast they could, yanking the hatch shut as they went.

"Okay, now what? Can this thing even fly?" Virginia asked, putting D.C. into his seat and helping Hawaii buckle her harness.

America hopped into the seat in front of the controls. "Let's hope so. You guys landed fairly straight, just tilted in the deep snow. If I can get us to the street we'll be okay." He started punching buttons, starting up he plane.

"Are we going to die?" Alaska asked innocently.

New York looked back at him. "No... I hope."

"They're here! Go!" Virginia was looking out the windshield. The soldiers were running down the street, rifles out.

With a loud crunching sound, the plane rolled forward, causing the soldiers to jump back.

America grinned. "Now we'll be fine."

"Daddy, why are they mad at us?" Hawaii tilted her head in confusion.

"Are they gonna put us in time-out?" D.C. asked.

"Well, we did invade Russia's country without permission. And crash-land in his capital." New York glanced out the window.

"And Dad did something to annoy them..." Maryland looked at America, who grinned sheepishly, starting them down the makeshift runway of the Russian street.

"Well Russia and I got bored, and Prussia came over—no, he didn't have Berlin, sorry D.C.—and we decided that it would be fun to play a prank on Belarus. Except the next person to walk into Russia's room was his boss with paperwork. So his boss got covered in pink paint and glitter. Also a few feathers." America rubbed his head self-consciously. "Long story short, Russia is gonna be hiding from his boss for a few days, and Prussia and I are fleeing the country."

There was a silence as the plane lifted into the air, leaving the Russians behind.

"So am I grounded if I reuse that prank on Mass?" New York finally broke the silence.

"Yes, but only because that shows a lack of originality. No copying other people's evil plans." America adjusted their altitude slightly.

"Fine. Blue paint and confetti?"

"Better. If you want, I'll help you rig the paint bucket."

**-0-0-0-**

Five hours later, the states were all stumbling out of the basement and falling into a sleepy pile on couch. America wandered off upstairs to his own room.

Virginia curled up in the corner of the couch. The three littlest states crawled in next to him. Richmond jumped off the bookshelf he'd been sleeping on and started licking D.C. calmly.

"I'm not moving until next week," Virginia muttered.

"I agree." New York sprawled across the middle.

Maryland just fell onto the couch and closed his eyes. "Good night," he mumbled.

Massachusetts came downstairs. "Oh, there you all are. Where were you all day? And you do know it's three in the afternoon, right?" He tilted his head.

All six of them continued sleeping.

"Guys? What are you doing? Why are you all asleep? ...guys?"

**END**

***Bratva: Russian mafia.**

**A/N:**

**So yeah... America, Prussia, and Russia got in trouble with lovely Mr. Putin it seems. ^.^ (They're all doomed.)**

**On a totally unrelated note, yesterday was my mom's birthday, so I just published a chapter written a whole ago. What with making a surprise cake & stuff I didn't have time to write a new request chapter. Sorry guys! But anyways—see you all next time!**

**Love ya, and keep those great ideas coming,**

**—Rambler**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: AMERICA'S NOT MINEEEEE**

**-0-0-0-**

"FREEDOM!" Mass ran into the house, cheering. "Dad and the little kids are all going to be on the other side of the country for a whole day! We can do whatever we like!"

Virginia grinned tiredly. "I'm probably going to spend the whole time sleeping. D.C.'s been keeping me up all night." He paused and frowned. "I hope Dad remembers that he needs to take a nap every day. And that Alaska can't tie his shoes yet. And Hawaii needs her hair brushed. And—"

"Relax, Ginny. They'll be fine." New Jersey shushed him. "Let's go play video games!"

The thirteen ex-colonies had an entire week to themselves, alone in America's house.

Obviously, some were taking it better than others.

"But—"

Maryland sighed and dragged him towards the living room, where New York and Georgia were digging though a heap of video games. "Shush."

"Popcorn time!" North Carolina zoomed off to the kitchen. "And candy too!"

"Ooh, can you make coffee?" Georgia stuck her head out of the kitchen.

"Yay! Coffee!" North skipped around the kitchen cheerily.

"It's disturbing," her twin muttered, shaking her head. "How the $&%# does someone act that happy all the time?"

Mass froze and broke into a grin. "WE CAN SWEAR!" He and New York started skipping in circles chanting profanity.

Virginia facepalmed.

"We're never letting them back in the house! We'll lock the doors and nail them shut!" Mass yelled, jumping up and down on the couch with New York.

"Don't do that. You're going to break something."

"Fine." New York hopped off. "I'm going to go get some logs from outside. I wanna make a fire. We can roast marshmallows inside." He ran out the door.

"You're boring," Mass told Virginia, sticking his tongue out and jumping back down. "Hey, what's that?" He pointed to a small toy soldier, lying on the ground that seemed to be made of gold.

"It must have been stuck in the couch cushions, and you knocked it out with your jumping. It looks like one of dad's old soldiers from England. Don't you remember playing with them before the revolution?"

"Yeah, but this one looks like it's made of gold. The old toys were just painted wood." Massachusetts reached out to pick up the golden soldier. The moment his fingers touched it, a bright light flashed.

When he could see again, Mass' jaw dropped.

There were no longer eleven of his siblings in front of him, but eleven toddler-sized versions of them, all wearing white nightgowns.

There were several seconds of stunned silence, from both Mass and the toddlers. Then, as one, every single one of the deaged states started crying.

".._.$&%#_."

**-0-0-0-**

"YORK!" Mass yanked open the back door and looked out frantically.

New York looked up from his armful of wood. "What? Hey, what's that noise—?"

"I TURNED THEM INTO BABIES."

"What...?"

"It was an accident! I picked up this golden toy, and all of a sudden they went poof! And now look!" He shoved a very grumpy-looking baby at New York.

"Wait, hold in. You turned everybody except us into babies? And this is who, South? W—OW! _SHE #%$&ING BIT ME!"_

"I think they're all about two years old. She's bitten me twice. Del is trying to eat the tv remote. Maryland was climbing the fridge trying to get into the cookie jar last I saw. Oh, and he's doing it because Ginny is hiding under the table hugging his teddy bear and crying, and apparently Maryland thinks cookies would make him happy again." Mass stuck out his leg to block New Jersey, who was attempting to toddle outside.

"...All I can say is thank God you aren't in charge of the little kids on a daily basis..." New York shook his head and stepped inside before anyone else could make a run for it, closing the door.

Mass ran into the kitchen and glanced at Maryland, who was standing on top of the fridge, balanced on tiptoe and reaching for the cookies on the shelf next to it.

"I'm not getting him. I'm not that tall. Only normal him is that tall. ...what do we do?" Mass glanced up at the fridge.

"Find a stool and be glad we aren't as short as Ginny. Now what exactly happened to make everybody little?" New York grabbed a footstool and stood on top of it, snatching Maryland in mid step and putting him back down. South Carolina watched, holding on to Massachusetts' pant leg with one small hand.

"Cookie!" Maryland crossed his arms and glared. The effectiveness of the glare was lessened by the fact that he was two years old and quite frankly adorable, but still unnervingly scary.

"Look, you can't go up there. I'll get the cookies down if you behave and get everyone to come in here. Can you two do that?" New York crouched down looked at South Carolina, then back to Maryland.

"Okay," South mumbled, turning to find her twin.

Maryland glared at him a minute longer, then nodded and ran off. "Ginny!"

"That went better than expected." Massachusetts watched them go. "And to answer your question, I saw a little gold soldier on the floor, and when I picked it up, it flashed a big bright light, and poof! Babies. I still have the soldier in my pocket, but now I'm afraid to touch it."

"Hmm... I wonder why it didn't affect us. Any ideas?" York grabbed the cookies and counted out eleven, one for each miniaturized state.

"Maybe it only affects people in a given area? You were outside when they all got turned into little kids..." Mass frowned as he thought. "And I think it didn't affect me because I was the one setting off the spell or magic, or whatever that was."

"We got them!" Maryland interrupted, pushing New Jersey into the kitchen and pulling Virginia along by the hand. The rest stood in the doorway, following them in.

"Okay guys, sit down." New York pointed at the floor. Obediently, all eleven states sat down on the floor. Maryland was still holding Virginia's hand, looking up expectantly. Connecticut and North Carolina were holding a Barbie they had found under the coffee table. New Hampshire, New Jersey, and Georgia had lugged a bucket of Legos into the room with them.

"Okay, guys. Here's what we're going to do. Do you know who we are?" Mass asked.

North Carolina shook her head.

"Are we 'llowed to talk to you? Daddy says no strangers." Virginia looked up at them.

"Don't worry. We're not bad guys. I'm Massachusetts, and that's New York. We've got cookies!" Mass gestured to the plate of cookies on the counter. "And you can each have one if you sit down at the table and listen. Got it?"

"Okay!" New Jersey ran to the table. Suddenly, he stopped, making New Hampshire walk into him and fall over. "What's that?" He pointed to the fridge.

"It's a refrigerator. It keeps your food cold. See?" New York opened the door to display the shelves of vegetables, milk, fruit, and last week's pasta. The tiny states stared in awe. "Now go sit down, okay?"

Virginia tried to get into a chair, but he was too short. Massachusetts picked him up and set him down, then did the same for Connecticut, Rhode Island, and North. He frowned and glanced out the window. "One second. It's getting dark outside. I'm going to turn on a light in here." He walked over to the corner and flipped the light switch.

A few of the girl states screamed. Virginia's eyes went wide. "Did you use magic...?"

"Uh... Something like that," New York told him, handing them their cookies. "Mass, what should we do with them?" he whispered, pulling his brother into a corner.

"I have an idea," Massachusetts whispered back.

New York sighed. "I was afraid of that..."

**-0-0-0-**

"Mass! We can't just take them all to a playground at nine PM!" New York said in exasperation.

"Well we are, so carry one of the girls and make sure Jersey doesn't run too far ahead." Massachusetts shifted his arms, lifting the Carolina twins higher on his back. "Where did Maryland drag Ginny off to? Those two are always disappearing. They're worse than normal Ginny and Maryland!"

"They're right here with me and Connecticut. Rhode says she wants to hold your hand." The small state nodded as New York spoke and ran ahead to grab Mass' hand.

"Okay midgets, here we are. Go nuts, but stay on the playground where we can see you." Mass crouched down and let the twins get off. New Jersey and New Hampshire were already running toward the slide, shrieking with glee. Their siblings quickly followed.

New York flopped onto the bench. "If this is what it's like dealing with everyone, Ginny must be a saint. How does he live with it all?"

"I'm guessing with the same magic powers that tell him what the different versions of 'The Maryland Stare' mean." Mass sat down next to him.

They watched the states running around, the moonlight making their white nightclothes silver. Suddenly, a small hand tugged on the edge of New York's leather jacket. He looked down.

"What's that?" Maryland pointed to the swings.

"Huh? Oh, those are swings. They're fun. You and Ginny want to ride them?" Mass glanced over at the two.

"Yes!" Maryland answered. Virginia nodded.

"Okay. Let's go." New York turned to Virginia took the hand that wasn't being held by Maryland.

Within a few minutes, all of the deaged colonies were begging for a turn to ride the swing. Massachusetts kept tripping over the same clump of grass, something which the toddlers found absolutely hilarious. "Higher! Higher!" Georgia cheered.

Soon enough, everyone had to try all the different kinds if playground equipment. New Jersey turned out to be very good at the monkey bars, while New York learned quickly that Connecticut and North Carolina fell off the merry-go-round if it spun too fast.

Finally, York stopped. "It's eleven at night, Mass. We really need to get them all home."

Mass stopped pushing the swing, bringing Sourh Carolina to a halt. "Yeah, I guess. Jersey! Stop chasing Virginia with that spider and put it down!"

Virginia hugged Massachusetts' leg in terror, glancing back at his brother and said spider fearfully. Maryland looked like he was thinking of ways to kill New Jersey.

Rhode Island shrieked. "Spider?!"

"Jersey..." New York folded his arms.

"Fine. But can I have another cookie when we get home?" Jersey started to put the spider down, then paused and looked to the two older states.

"Not right now. It's too late. Maybe tomorrow if you behave and listen to us, you can have one."

The toddler sighed. "Okay."

**-0-0-0-**

When they got back to the house, a few of the toddlers fell asleep on the couch immediately. New Hampshire and New Jersey went back to their bucket of Legos. Virginia just wanted a box of crayons.

After a few minutes, he ran into the kitchen and tugged on Mass' sleeve.

"I maked it for you." The toddler held up a crumpled piece of paper.

"Uh... Thanks." Massachusetts took it.

"That's me, an' that's Mattie, an' that's you. See?" He pointed first to a blue stick figure and a red stick figure holding hands, and then a much taller stick figure with an extra-big smile. "And next to you is York. And that's everybody else! The mean one is South." He pointed to another tall stick figure, then a group of variously colored stick figures with different expressions, in particular a yellow one with angry eyebrows and a frown.

"Looks just like her. Nice job." Massachusetts ruffled his hair. He looked around. "Where's Maryland?"

"We saw a big puppy! So he went to go find it. An' I saw a kitty. But he didn't like Mawynd." Virginia pointed back to the living room, where Mass could see Richmond sleeping on the arm of the couch.

He grinned slightly. At least the cat hadn't changed. The grumpy old thing hated absolutely everyone but Virginia and D.C. He occasionally tolerated Maryland if Virginia wasn't around, but nobody else.

"I think it's about time all of you went to bed. It's almost midnight." New York walked into the kitchen, carrying a sleeping Rhode Island. "You want to go get Maryland for us?"

"Okay!" Virginia ran off, leaving his drawing and a purple crayon lying on the table.

"Where are they all going to sleep?" Massachusetts turned to New York.

"I was thinking Dad's room. The bed is bug enough for all of them. Plus they still remember him, so they might be more willing to sleep in there."

"I'm not gonna go to bed unless we get a story," New Jersey declared, matching in with Georgia in tow. Georgia was carrying a Lego house they had built.

"Don't worry, I'll read you all a story. But I think you guys are going to need clean pajamas." Massachusetts eyed the muddy nightgowns. "Let's go up to D.C. and Hawaii's rooms. There's a ton of stuff that'll fit them."

"You're taking the girls," New York told him, handing Rhode Island to Mass.

"But—"

"They're two years old, Mass. It's not a big deal." New York took New Hampshire and New Jersey and led them both up the steps. "I'm going to go find the other two. The rest of the girls are in the living room."

Fifteen minutes and the girls' discovery of Disney princesses later, everyone was dressed in modern children's pajamas and sitting in America's room. Most were sleeping side by side in the bed, while a few were sleeping on the end and Virginia had made himself a best of pillows on the floor.

"Okay, what story do you guys want to hear?" Mass asked.

New Jersey, New Hampshire, and Georgia all started talking at once.

"Whoa, whoa. Let's let North pick. She's the only one of you that's actually been good this whole time." New York looked at them all.

"Cinderella!" North Carolina beamed.

All the boys except Virginia groaned. Georgia and Connecticut sat up a little straighter, looking just as happy as North.

"I'll go find the fairy tale book," New York told Mass.

When he came back, Mass started reading. "Once upon a time..."

**-0-0-0-**

When morning came, New York and Massachusetts woke up on the couch, too tired to have walked all the way to their beds. The toddler states were wreaking havoc all around them.

"Delaware! What did I say about the remote?" Mass sat up and took the tv control out of the little boy's mouth.

"Look what we found!" North Carolina ran over with an armful of movies. "What do these do? They have pretty pictures on the front."

New York sat up with a groan, rubbing his head. "I'll show you guys if you calm down."

After a brief explanation of motorized vehicles, everyone was settled down in front of Cars, and New York and Massachusetts were hiding in the kitchen drinking coffee.

"What do we do now? Make breakfast for them? It's almost noon."

Mass was saved from having to answer by the door swinging open, America walked in carrying D.C. and Hawaii.

"DADDY!" Cars entirely forgotten, eleven two-year-olds tackled him, nearly making him drop Hawaii. "What the—?"

"YOU'RE BACK!" North Carolina squeaked happily.

"Mass... What did you do?" America was getting a dangerous expression as he realized who the wailing children clinging to his legs were.

"Nothing, I swear!" He gulped. "Except possibly make them babies?"

America sighed.

"Who'sat, Daddy?" D.C. pointed.

"...Uh..." America couldn't think of anything but the truth to say. "That's Maryland and Virginia, buddy."

D.C.'s eyes grew comically wide. "They're little like me!"

"So I've noticed." America put him down.

"Mawynd?" D.C. tilted his head and gazed at Maryland curiously.

The blond toddler waved shyly. "Hi."

Virginia peered out from behind him. "You look like Mattie," he declared, eyeing D.C. "I like you."

D.C. giggled. "Daddy, they don't know who I am!"

America looked confused as to what he should say to this.

New York sighed. "Imagine the blackmail we could be getting right now..." he whispered. Mass nodded in sorrowful agreement.

"I should be asking what on earth you two did, but I'm guessing I don't want to know."

"It was a toy soldier, like your ones from England. Except made out of gold. It turned them all little." Mass grabbed his sweatshirt and shook it until the little gold soldier fell out of the pocket and onto the table. "It changed them when I touched it, so I don't want to touch it again."

America sighed. "I was afraid of that. Don't worry. It should change them back if you touch it. England gave that to me a long time ago. It's cursed. York, Hawaii, D.C. and I have to go outside so we don't get affected, though.

New York and America both went back out the door, leaving Mass alone with the eleven little colonies before he could even say anything.

He blinked as the door swung shut. "Uh... Okay then..." He turned to his llsiblings. "All right, guys. All of you close your eyes."

"Why?" New Jersey asked.

"You guys don't belong here. I'm going to send you back to where you should be. You'll be okay."

"But I don't wanna leave!" Virginia looked up at Mass.

"Just trust me." And with that, Massachusetts reached out and grabbed the golden soldier.

**-0-0-0-**

"We did _what_?" Virginia looked at New York.

"Oh yeah, and you made Maryland chase Richmond around the house for an hour." Mass snickered. "He also attempted to climb the fridge for you."

"Jersey chased you and North with a spider and made you both start crying."

"And you drew me a lovely picture with you and Maryland holding hands," Massachusetts laughed. "And you drew the rest of us, too. South looks very angry." He held up the slightly torn drawing, watching Virginia's ears turn red.

"Del kept eating the remote," York added.

"We've decided that anyone who can deal with little kids and not kill anything must not be human," Massachusetts informed Virginia.

"Believe me, it's much easier when said little kids doesn't include you two." Connecticut smirked.

"Shut up," Mass grumbled.

"I'm going to take a nap," York announced.

"I second that." Massachusetts followed him up the steps. "Oh yeah, and you guys basically made a mess of the whole house while you were toddlers, so you should clean that up. And you have eleven tiny nightgowns to wash Ginny." And with that, Massachusetts' bedroom door slammed shut.

The eleven states groaned. "_MASS_!"

**END.**

**I just took the dogs out for a walk and it is COLD outside. Waaaahhh... **

**This was for Czech16alfredo, who wanted more chibi states. I decided to change that a little and make it so Mass and NY had to babysit. It was fun to write. But poor Ginny... **

**Anyways, see you all next time! Thanks for reviewing! Here's your cookies. (::)(::)(::)  
**

**—Rambler**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:**

**_WARNING WARNING RED FLASHING LIGHTS PLEASE READ THIS: Due to the author taking a family vacation to the desolate and harsh land of no internet, there will not be a chapter next week. The week after I will continue as normal. This has been a Rambler PSA. (END OF PSA)_**

**Helloooo everybody! This chapter has a special guest...**

**2P 'MURICA!**

**I don't own either of the Americas, nor the other countries in this fic. Only the states.**

**-0-0-0-**

"Dad, what's going on?" California stopped in the doorway of America's office. The country was pacing back and forth in front of his desk.

"Don't worry about it." America didn't even smile.

California gulped. "Uh... Okay then." He turned and ran back down the hall, pushing open Michigan's bedroom door. He and Ohio were sitting on the bed, playing Mario Kart and muttering insults.

"Guys! We have a problem!"

Ohio hit pause. "What's up?"

"I don't know, but Dad is freaking out about something. And you know him, he thinks he can beat anything." Cal joined his siblings on the bed.

"Maybe it's Russia? There is that whole mess going on over there right now." Michigan frowned and put down his controller.

"No, Dad's never been afraid of Russia. Only angry." Ohio chewed her lip. "I don't think it's any of the countries bothering him. Did you try asking?"

"He told me not to worry."

Michigan gulped. "This IS serious."

Running feet charged down the hall. America pushed open the door. Everyone whirled. "Hey guys. Something's going on over in England, and Germany and Russia too. They need me over there as fast as I can. Can you guys take care of the little kids?"

Ohio broke out of her shock first. "Sure, Dad."

"Thanks!" America ran off down the hall, tugging on the bomber jacket that every state had worn at least once as he went. "Don't worry, I'm the hero!" And with that, the door slammed shut.

"Hey, have you guys seen New York's gun? We need it so we can go help Dad kill stuff. 'Cause if this turns out like the whole alien invasion thing where we ended up in a metal underground bunker for a week, I'm killing something before we get put somewhere 'safe'." Mass stuck his head in the doorway.

"Uhh..."

Hawaii ran into the room shrieking. "AAAAAAAAAAAHH! 'LEKSEI PUT A BUG IN MY ROOM!" She started sobbing into California's pant leg,

Michigan and Cal looked at each other and decided to call the only person capable of ruling over the more unruly siblings.

"GINNY!"

Sure enough, Virginia appeared almost instantly. "Don't call me Ginny. What do you need?"

All three states in Michigan's room started talking at once, until Hawaii screamed louder than anyone, "_AN' IT WAS A BIG ICKY SPIDER_!"

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down, you guys. One at a time. Cal?"

"Dad just left because apparently there's some kind of trouble over in Europe."

"What's going on?" Virginia frowned.

"He didn't say. He just asked if we could watch the little kids while he went to go help." Michigan shrugged.

"It's probably nothing big. We'll be fine. Now have any of you seen D.C.? He and Alaska ran off somewhere because they hid a spider in Hawaii's room."

Just then, loud wailing sounded from down the hallway.

Virginia sighed. "Never mind."

**-0-0-0-**

"No! I can't go to sleep yet! I left my teddy downstairs!" D.C. folded his arms and shook his head.

"Fine. Where did you leave it?" Virginia grabbed D.C.'s hand and started down the stairs.

"In the castle we built with my blocks. But Alaska stomped it over!" D.C. looked indignant as he jumped down the last step.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow. Now come on, it's already past your bedtime." Virginia looked around the dark kitchen. "Ugh... It's dark down here. Let's go turn on some lights, Mikey." Virginia picked D.C. up and walked over to the lightswitch, flicking it up, then turned to walk through the doorway.

He froze, hugging D.C. a little tighter.

A tall man with hair the color of dried blood was standing in their living room. He wore dark sunglasses despite the blackness and carried a baseball bat studded with nails.

"Who are you?"

The man put down the picture he had been studying. "Nobody special. I take it you're Virginia?" He seemed like he was trying hard not to laugh.

"What are you doing in our house?" He started to back away.

The man shrugged. "Well, the rest of my friends—if you could call them that—are busy trying to find the nations of the world. So could you tell me where your dad is?"

Virginia turned and ran, racing up the stairs. Flying through the hallway, he raced into Maryland's room and slammed the door shut, leaning against it and breathing hard.

The quiet state looked up from the book he was reading on the bed.

"There's someone in the house," Virginia managed. "After Dad."

D.C. nodded, eyes wide.

Maryland jumped to his feet, glancing out the door. He looked back at Virginia.

"I don't know who he is. He looks exactly like Dad, but with darker hair, tanner skin, and sunglasses. And he's got a big baseball bat covered in nails. And blood." He shuddered. "It was completely caked with old, dried blood."

Footsteps sounded in the hallway. Both of the states froze. D.C. whimpered.

"Closet. Now." Maryland whispered.

Virginia nodded. Ever so carefully, they backed towards the closet, as quietly as they could. Maryland grabbed D.C. and held him, then pulled the door shut behind them.

Virginia peered out through the wooden door slats. They could her the footsteps going up and down the hallway. They grew closer and closer, until suddenly, the doorknob shook as whoever was outside tried to unlock it. D.C. closed his eyes and buried his face in Maryland's shirt.

After a few seconds of trying, the person in the hallway gave up. The states started to sigh with relief, when suddenly the door splintered, a nail-studded bat smashing through. Virginia gave a little yelp, quickly covering his mouth. The man from before walked in through the wreckage of the door and over to the closet. He kicked it once, making the door shake. "Come out. I know you're in there."

Virginia and Maryland looked at each other.

"I'll go first," Maryland whispered. He carefully opened the door, he and Virginia walking out slowly. D.C. clung to the hem of Maryland's T-shirt.

"Come on, then. I'm probably not going to kill you." The dark-haired man was leaning in the doorway, his bat casually resting on Maryland's desk. "Okay, who's in charge of your siblings? If you're anything like my kids were, it's you." He pointed to Virginia. "Go find all of them and get them in here. Now." He gave a toothy grin reminiscent of a shark and ran his fingers across the handle of his baseball bat.

Virginia gulped and nodded, turning and half-running out of the room.

**-0-0-0-**

Fifteen minutes later, ten states were sitting in Maryland's room; Hawaii, Alaska, D.C., Maryland, Virginia, Ohio, Massachusetts, California, Michigan, and Arizona. Michigan was hiding behind Cal, while the other state stared at the man in fear. Alaska and Hawaii were huddled in the corner with D.C. next to them, sniffling. Arizona was whispering something to them. Hawaii kept asking for America. Mass was sitting on the bed, while Ohio was perched on the arm of the chair Virginia was sitting in. Maryland was sitting on the floor.

"So why are you here? And who are you?" Massachusetts was poking at the baseball bat.

"I—will you stop touching that?!" The man glared at him.

"Ugh. You're boring like him." Mass rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at Virginia.

"Shut up," Virginia and the dark-haired stranger said at the same time.

"I'm here because I've got nothing better to do. Your Dad might have told you about us—dopplegangers, I think you all call us. We're nations, but different. This world is cheerful and happy—which is annoying. My world is different. Darker. As for how we got here, it all started when my stupid old man Oliver messed up a spell. He was trying to make some new poison or whatever, but he says that pretend flying bunny of his messed it up. Now were stuck here, in a world we don't belong in."

At the mention of a flying bunny, everyone looked at Massachusetts.

"What? Phillip is obviously real. Unlike Flying Mint Green Bunny." Mass folded his arms, then looked down at the blankets next to him. "Right, Phillip?"

The man sighed. "Massachusetts, then?"

"How do you know my name?!" Mass stared at him.

"Okay, look. My name is Al Jones. I'm America. Your dad is America in this world, right?"

"Cool... So you're like him from another world? And evil?"

He sighed again, as if doubting Mass' intelligence, then looked almost sad. "You guys are too much like my kids were..."

"Wait, what do you mean, 'were'?" Ohio interrupted. "What happened to them?"

"They're dead," Al replied flatly. "But I did have kids. No little ones like him, though." He nodded towards D.C. "They never last long. The older ones kill them off pretty quickly, for the land. They don't live long anyway, though. Nobody makes it far in my world, especially not babies."

"You just let them kill each other?" Arizona asked with wide eyes.

"They kill babies...?" Virginia stared at this darker America, holding D.C. a little tighter.

"If I didn't do it myself. It seems heartless, but where I come from, it's kill or be killed. So when Oliver messed up that spell and sent us all here, we decided to take this world for ourselves. As we speak, Viktor is going after your Russia. Luciano and Lutz are after Italy and Germany, and likely Berlin and Prussia as well. Oliver is going for England. I was sent here to kill you and your dad—"

Before anyone could even blink, Maryland was pointing at kitchen knife at the man's throat, Al laughed.

"Nice try, kid. But if you let me finish—" He plucked the knife out of Maryland's hands. "—you'd know that I don't particularly feel like killing you. Oliver killed off all of my kids, and I might kill your dad, but I don't hurt kids. I do have some remnants of a conscience. Maybe the only remnants out of anyone in my world. Now—" Al suddenly stopped, growing tense and whirling around towards the door. "Don't move." He handed Maryland the knife, not bothering to look back at them. "You may want to keep that thing ready."

The door crashed open with a bang. "ALLAN! Did you get me some guests for tea and cupcakes?" A man who looked exactly like England walked in. His hair was pale pink, and his cheeks were dotted with freckles. He looked like a little kid, sweet and innocent, except for his eyes. They had a strange, murderous gleam to their bright turquoise. "I must admit I'm just not in a good mood. Silly Arthur got away."

It took the states a moment to realize he meant England.

"Back off, old man." Al raised his baseball bat.

Oliver smiled sweetly. "Oh, have you grown soft, then? I suppose I'll just have to get you after!"

The states were all hiding under the kitchen table. Mass stood up. "What's so bad about us?"

"Nothing. That's why we have to kill you." The pink-haired Brit smiled eerily, then lunged.

The states froze in terror, staring at the strangely glowing knife flying towards them in Oliver's hands.

Crack! The bat swung through the air, smacking into Oliver's head and knocking him to the floor at California's feet.

Al grinned slightly, his teeth now splattered with blood. He looked far too comfortable with having apparently nearly killed his "old man" as he called it.

The blood started to pool on the kitchen floor, seeping towards the states' feet. Virginia covered D.C.'s eyes.

"Don't worry. He isn't waking up anytime soon." The animal grin finally disappeared as Al looked at the door. "Someone's coming." He grabbed his bat and pointed it at the entrance once more as feet pounded up the path.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS!" America burst through the door, having somehow procured a gun. The other countries ran in with him, even England and Russia.

Al grinned and raised both hands, smiling slyly. "Relax, Freddie. I would never hurt your kids," he drawled.

"Then why are you, your bat, and my kitchen covered in blood?"

"Just a stupid old man. Nothing special. Burger-eater."

"Psychopath."

"Imbecile."

"Mur—"

"ENOUGH." England snatched America's gun and pointed it at Al. "We've already stopped all of your friends. Surrender or I'll shoot."

"You didn't stop all of them. Needed my help on Ollie over here, didn't you? Move," he instructed the states. They stepped aside to reveal Oliver, still bleeding slumped on the floor. "You can do whatever you like to them. Go ahead and shoot 'em a few times. All I want to do is go home."

"You guys go deal with this outside," America sighed, nodding to the other nations. Russia nodded and picked up the unconscious bleeding Oliver, dragging him outside. Germany pulled out some rope and tied Al up, pulling him away.

Alaska waved to Russia. "Bye Daddy!"

As the door shut, America turned to his kids. "So... How much do you guys know about what's going on?"

"They're evil versions of you guys?" Mass shrugged.

"But not exactly evil. Just different. Oliver was evil, though. He and Kuro—that's their Japan—were the ones who decided to try to take over our world. We've caught almost all of them, though." America glanced out the window. "What exactly happened here?"

Virginia frowned. "I think he came here to protect us from the rest of them, Oliver and Kuro and... Viktor, I think? He said that Oliver killed them all, but that they were just like us—"

"Only they were a bit more murderous," Mass interrupted.

"—So he might have killed you like he was supposed to, but not us."

"It makes you wonder what our opposites, or doubles or whatever you call them, were like?" Mass thought.

"Well apparently Oliver was an incredible cook who made poisoned cupcakes, and Al is vegan."

"So that's why he called you burger-eater. It seemed like a weird insult." Mass smirked. "I'm reusing that on York when he comes back from that trip to Canada. Hey, I bet his opposite is really wimpy or something."

"I bet Ginny's hates little kids," added Michigan.

"Yours is probably terrified of fire," Virginia told Massachusetts.

"Do you think they even have little kids like Alaska and Hawaii?" Cal asked.

"If they do, Alaska's would be like Soviet Union was, all creepy and murderous. And he'd hate whoever is their Russia," Ohio decided.

"And you and Michigan would be best friends," Alaska told her cheerfully.

"I don't think any universe can handle them liking each other." America looked at the two of them.

"We actually did agree about something," Ohio started. "Since you asked us to watch the little kids..."

Michigan nodded."We're getting paid, right?"

**END**

**A/N:**

**Yes, the alien invasion Mass mentioned in the beginning is Paint It White. That movie was beautifully weird.**

**Skylar the guest reviewer: I appreciate you giving my idea, but that's not the sort of thing I do. This story is supposed to be PG-rated. I'm sorry. I think you may be better off with someone else if that's the sort of thing you want to read. I was planning on doing a chapter with Area 51, but not that. Definitely not that.**

**Other reviewers: Those of you who gave me ideas, thank you! Those who didn't—thanks for reviewing! I practically tackle my phone every time it tells me I have an email. That's how much I love hearing from you guys.**

**See you all next time!**


	11. Chapter 11

**NOTE: Some (if not all) of the state laws mentioned within this fic are actually laws from cities or towns within that state. To avoid confusion, however, the author has chosen to simply say what state said laws are enforced in. For example, in Tucson, Arizona, there is a law against women wearing pants. In this fic it would simply be a law in Arizona.**

**Disclaimed: Nope.**

**-0-0-0-**

Mass yawned and put down the video game controller. "I'm going upstairs. 'Night."

California frowned and put down his controller. "Isn't it a little early to go to bed? It's only 6:30. Not even D.C. goes to sleep that early!"

"Nah. I have to take my bath." Mass shrugged. "Wish I could skip it once in a while, but—"

"What on earth forces you to take a bath? Not that you shouldn't bathe. Because you smell awful." Cal wrinkled his nose.

"Hey! I do not! And for your information, it's the law."

"...you're joking."

"Nope. 'No citizen may go to bed without a full bath'."

"It's a law." New York affirmed, looking up from his comic book. "And it's not even his weirdest one. Seriously Mass, was the ban on witches necessary?"

"Absolutely." Mass disappeared upstairs. A few minutes later, running water sounded from his bathroom, the bathtub filling.

"Come on, all of us have weird laws." York sat up and put down the comic. "'No slippers after 10pm'. That's my weirdest. Alabama has one about boogers."

Cal thought for a minute. "I do have a law that a man can't wear a jacket and pants that don't match outside."

New York facepalmed. "You are the girliest man I have ever met. Except for Italy and occasionally Nebraska."

"But still, that's ridiculous! There can't be anyone with laws weirder than his!" Cal protested.

Suddenly, D.C. and Hawaii ran though the living room shrieking. "NO! NOT BEDTIME!" D.C. yelled as they charged for the backyard.

A few seconds later, Virginia ran in. "Which way did they go?!"

Cal pointed to the backyard.

The two toddlers were already making a break for the woods.

"I give up." Virginia groaned and flopped down on the couch. "What are you two doing?"

"Trying to find out who has the weirdest law," California answered.

Virginia thought. "Well most of mine are actually normal—the weirdest is 'It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to decide who pays for coffee'—but Hawaii has outlawed billboards."

Alaska ran in. "Where's Moosey?! I can't find him!"

"Did you look under the couch?" Virginia sighed.

"Yes! ...no. Ooh! I found him!" Alaska squealed, pulling his stuffed moose out from under the couch.

"Hey Aleksei, what's you weirdest law?" asked New York.

The little state thought. "Lots of moose."

"What?" New York and Cal looked at Virginia for a translation.

"He has like ten laws explicitly involving moose. Including one about not pushing live moose out of an airplane while in flight."

"...what?"

Virginia shrugged. "His government is about as crazy about moose as he is about Russia."

"I'm kind of scared of his government now," York muttered as Alaska ran off with Moosey to go find Hawaii and D.C.

"Oh, and Maryland has a law about bringing a lion to the movies. He says it's a long story," Virginia added.

"...I don't know why or how you know that, but okay." Cal blinked slowly.

"Hey, I bet Iowa and Nebraska are in the library again. And if they are, they can probably find tons of weird laws for you." Virginia got up. "I'm helping you guys now, because there is no way I'm chasing down those hyper little midgets again today."

The three of them started up the stairs, only to be nearly knocked back down by Arkansas. "OUTTA MY WAY! SOMEONE JUST SAID MY NAME WRONG!"*

"Woah there, Ark. No murder today, okay? It involves way too much paperwork." New York held up both hands in surrender. "Dad built a very nice shooting range for that, remember?"

"But it's a LAW. You cannot legally mispronounce 'Arkansas' in the state of Arkansas." She folded her arms. "Someone just called me 'Are-Kansas'. I AM NOT KANSAS."

Cal winced. "...I can see why you wanna kill something."

"So would you say that's your weirdest law?" New York had started writing the laws down as they found them.

"Of course not! It's 'One may not walk one's cow down Main Street after 1pm on Sunday'. What's weird about my favorite law?"

"Oh, nothing weird at all." He laughed nervously. Seeing the murderous gleam in his sister's eye, New York wrote down the second law instead. "Uh... We'll just let you go... shoot stuff... now." The male states all got out of her way and watched as she ran to the basement shooting range.

Virginia pushed open the door to their library. "Iowa! Nebraska! Are you two in here?" he called.

"No," Iowa called from the back of the room.

"Hi guys!" Nebraska beamed and waved at them as they walked in. "What are you doing?"

Maryland walked out from behind a shelf, book in hand. He glanced up, saw Virginia, and went to go stand next to the much shorter state.

"We're trying to find the weirdest law in the states," California explained. "Do you guys know if there's any books about laws like that in here?"

"Sure there are!" Nebraska ran over to the back wall and grabbed two huge books. He opened one up to a random page. "Oooh... Says here that in Idaho 'no man may give his lover a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds'. I wanna live there!"

Virginia glanced at Maryland. "Can we move to Idaho?"

"Let's not," Iowa and Maryland said at the same time.

New York wrote that law down. "Okay. Anything else?"

"Hey! This one is Iowa!" Nebraska cheered as he turned the page. "'Horses may not eat fire hydrants'. ...what's that about?"

Everyone looked at Iowa.

"It's a long story. ...Damn horse was insane," he muttered.

"It also says kisses may not last for over five minutes," Nebraska read.

"That's a dumb law," New York declared.

"Yeah," Cal agreed. Everyone looked at Iowa again.

"Look, I don't write these!"

Nebraska shrugged and flipped a few pages ahead in the book. "Hmm... Ooh! It's me! ...'No whale fishing'. That's good! I like whales!"

"...you realize how stupid that is, right? You're landlocked. You literally CAN'T go whale fishing anywhere near your state." New York frowned.

"Yeah, because they made a law against it! It also says a man can't run around with a shaved chest."

"Ooookay..." New York wrote down both laws with another odd look at Nebraska.

The door banged open and the three little states rebelling against bedtime ran in, howling like savages.

"Oh, good. I was just going to go get you all." Virginia looked down at them. He shut the door before they could run back outside to hide.

"In Washington, all lollipops are banned!" Nebraska read with a look of horror.

D.C.'s eyes widened as Maryland picked him up. "Is that why he's so mean?"

"How horrible," New York muttered sarcastically, writing it down. "Ginny's right, every one of you gets waaaay too much sugar. Neb, I think you should start cutting the Kool-Aid."

"I'm going to put all of them to bed," Virginia told the other states, taking Alaska and Hawaii by the hands. "Maryland, could you help me?" The quiet state nodded and followed Virginia down the hall.

"That's all the ones in my books," Nebraska told New York and Cal.

"Thanks a lot, guys!" Cal grinned.

"If Ginny and Maryland come back, tell them we went down the basement," added York, shutting his notebook.

"Yes, sir!" Nebraska saluted cheerfully.

"Okay, who's here today anyways? I think New Mexico, Arizona, and Oklahoma are home, but I don't know about anyone else." New York looked at Cal.

"Nevada is." He glared at the pink and yellow door with "Nevada" painted on it. "I heard explosions this morning, which means Alabama and Florida. And I think Utah was following Oklahoma around again."

"Okay, then we'll look for him and the three girls first. I bet they're watching TV in the basement." New York led the way down the stairs and into the basement.

"Hey guys." New York walked over to the couch and flopped down next to Arizona. The ten and twelve year old states were watching a movie and passing around a huge bowl of popcorn.

"What do you want?" Oklahoma asked, pausing the movie.

"We're trying to figure out whose laws are weirdest. You guys have any?"

Utah spoke first. "Girls can't swear."

"Really?" Arizona turned to look at him. "That's a lame one. You don't have any that are weirder?"

He shook his head.

"Well I have a ton. Want me to list them all?" Arizona looked to New York, who shrugged and nodded. "Donkeys may not sleep in bathtubs. Anyone caught stealing soap must wash themself with it until it is completely used up. And in Tucson girls can't wear pants," she recited.

"Idiots can't vote in my state," added New Mexico.

"What's this about?" Texas stuck his head through the door frame.

New York continued writing on his notepad. "Weird laws. You got a favorite?"

"'One may not sell their eye.' I don't know what it's from, who wrote it, or why it exists, but it's weird." Tex shrugged.

"Eww..." Arizona shuddered.

"Cool..." New York grinned.

Oklahoma was still thinking about her own law. "Hmmm... Oh! I know! I had a law that you would hate," she told York. "They changed it, but tattoos used to be illegal."

"Seriously? That's a horrible law. What's wrong with tattoos?" New York put down his pen and looked at his little sister.

"Apparently, something." Oklahoma shrugged. "Humans are weird, and they make weird laws."

New York wrote the law down with a sigh. "Okay, thanks guys. Have you seen Nevada around? Or anybody?"

"Nevada's in her room. She's probably reading comic books." Texas pointed at the ceiling. "Florida just ran into the house cackling maniacally. So I would avoid the backyard for a while."

Cal glanced up at the ceiling as they all heard a huge explosion. "We will."

"To Nevada's room!" York started marching up the steps, notepad at the ready.

-0-0-0-

"Uh... I know there's no lying down on the sidewalk. And no camel driving on the highway." Nevada was sitting on her bed.

"Seriously? Those are your weirdest laws? I expected more from someone like you." Cal shook his head.

"Not all of us are weirdos like you," she replied in a sweet voice, standing on tiptoe to pat his head.

"Don't touch my hair." He yanked her arm away.

"Why? Do y—"

"GUYS." York waved his notepad between them. "Let's at least try to stay calm."

Both of them grumbled unintelligibly.

"Do you know anyone else's laws?" asked Virginia. He and Maryland had finally gotten the three toddlers to bed,

Nevada frowned. "I know a couple. Did you guys get to Ohio or the Dakotas yet?"

They shook their heads.

"Well in South Dakota there's some place called Fountain Inn that does not allow horses in unless they're wearing pants. In North Dakota 'One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing or wearing a hat to a place where dancing is taking place'." She paused. "North is a little weird. And as for Ohio, she has a law against honking 'excessively'."

New York was scrambling to write it all down.

"And you aren't allowed to get a fish drunk in Ohio."

"Is that even possible?" Cal asked.

"Not if you're in Ohio." Nevada shrugged.

"Okay, thanks a lot." New York shut his notebook. "Should we go find Florida now?" He turned to the others.

"Sure. I think the explosions stopped." Cal glanced out the window, but it was getting too dark to really see.

Cal, York, Virginia and Maryland all started down the stairs. When they got outside, they looked around.

"Al! Florida!"

Two heads popped out of the bush next to them. "What?"

"Gah!" Cal jumped back in surprise. "Why are you two hiding in a bush?"

"We're catching fireflies," Alabama supplied helpfully.

"That's... Surprisingly normal." New York blinked.

"I read that they taste bad. So we're going to find out!" Florida explained.

"...And there's the weirdness I was looking for." York sighed. "Do either of you have any really weird laws?"

"No flicking boogers into the wind," Alabama told him.

"Ewww..." Virginia moved away from him slightly.

"Do you need Louisiana's? 'No robbing a bank and then shooting the teller with a water pistol'," Al recited.

"'Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown'," Florida told them. "If you need the Carolinas, I know them too."

New York shrugged. "Go ahead."

"Okay, in NC it's illegal to sing off-key—"

"Can we enforce that as a national law?" Cal looked hopeful. New York shot him a look.

"And in South Carolina it is legal for the fire department to blow your house up."

"...Do I even want to know why?" Virginia sighed.

"I hope not, 'cause I've got no clue!"

"Shhh!" Alabama interrupted. "There!" He pointed to a glowing bug several feet away as it started floating off into the trees. Florida grabbed her jar, and they took off.

"Okay then... We'll just let you do whatever it is you're doing now." New York shut the door behind himself quickly. He turned around to walk back inside when Michigan ran past, eyes wide.

"They're at it again. Help!"

Cal looked confused. "Who's at wha—"

_BOOM!_

Virginia looked up at the ceiling and pinched his nose like he was getting a headache. "And now they woke up Hawaii and D.C. ...Three, two, one—"

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"It's your turn," he told Maryland with a sigh.

The taller state nodded and started up the steps just as Ohio raced down, with Pennsylvania close on her heels.

"Get back here!" Pennsylvania shrieked. "You _DESTROYED_ MY DOOR!"

"Not on purpose! HELP!" Ohio dove behind California and New York.

"YOU MADE IT EXPLODE!" Pennsylvania tackled her sister.

Virginia took a deep breath. "_QUIET!_"

Both girls froze.

"Ohio, what exactly did you do?" Virginia looked to the redhead first.

"Penny was teasing me about my football team." Ohio pointed at her accusingly.

"Well, your team does suck—"

"Not helping, Cal," Virginia hissed. "And I don't care what she did. How on earth did you accidentally explode her door?!"

"Uh ...luck?" Ohio shrugged. "I was going to go punch her, actually, but I tripped over this big box in the hall by her room, and I guess it must have belonged to Florida and Al because when it fell over it blew up."

Virginia just shook his head. "...why can't you two at least _pretend_ to like each other?"

"Because she's a despicable person." Pennsylvania pointed at Ohio.

"Because she's annoying and mean." Ohio pointed at Pennsylvania.

"Whenever Dad gets back from Russia you two are explaining all this. And figuring out what to do about the door."

"Oh, hey, do you have any weird laws, Penn?" New York stopped the girls before they could trudge back up the stairs. "Nevada already gave us Ohio's."

"...'No singing in the bathtub'. Why?"

"We want to see whose laws are weirdest."

"Oh. Well Michigan has one that's just stupid," Ohio offered.

Michigan stuck his head through the doorway. "Have the feminine war machines been turned off?" He looked at Cal.

The western state nodded. "Yeah. You wanna tell us the law?"

"Anyone over 12 that hasn't committed a felony can get a license for a handgun."

"...I think I know why Detroit has so much crime." New York raised an eyebrow.

"You, sir, should not be talking." Michigan shot him a look.

"Okay guys, calm down." Cal quickly stepped between them. "Why don't we go call everyone who isn't here?"

"But what if they're asleep?" Virginia frowned.

Cal and New York looked at each other.

"Even better!"

**-0-0-0-**

_"So you guys want what?"_

"Laws," Virginia sighed through the phone. "York! I saw that. Leave my cat alone!"

_"Don't you dare!" _Mississippi yelped over the phone._ "Not the cat!"_

Covering the receiver, he turned back to his brothers. "See? Missie agrees with me."

"That's just because she's too nice to everything. Including your stupid cat." Cal stuck out his tongue at Richmond, who yowled and ran off.

_"I heard that_," Mississippi told them. Virginia had switched to speakerphone.

"Moving on—weird laws?" Cal shut the door as he spoke, locking the cat out.

_"It's still legal to punish someone by hanging for cattle rustling_."

"Cool..." New York grinned.

_"Nobody really ever steals any cows nowadays, though."_

"Aw, come on. You're so boring—" York folded his arms and glared at the phone.

"Thanks a lot," Virginia interrupted. "You know anyone else's laws?"

_"Just a few. You said you already got Alabama? I know Missouri and Kansas. In Kansas, you aren't allowed to sing the alphabet on the streets at night. And Missouri has some law about milkmen not being allowed to run on duty. What he means by that one I will never know."_

"Does anywhere even still have milkmen?" Cal asked.

"Who knows?" Virginia shrugged. "Bye, Missie." He hung up. "Who should we call next?"

"Uhh... Kentucky?" New York looked over his list.

"Okay. Virginia dialed the number and flopped onto New York's bed, holding out the phone so the other two could listen.

_"This is West Virginia. What?"_

"...Did I dial the wrong number?" Virginia whispered to the other two.

"I don't think so," Cal replied.

Muffled shouting was heard on the other end of the phone. "_Get away from my phone!"_ There was a loud _WHACK_!, and Kentucky's voice came through cheerfully. "_Hello_!"

"Umm... Hi. This is Virginia, Cal, and York. We're trying to find out who has the weirdest laws."

"_Give me that_!" West Virginia came back. _"He does, obviously. He has one against dogs molesting cars_!"

Kentucky snatched the phone again._ "No way! She and Tennessee both made it legal to eat roadkill!"_

"...ew." Virginia leaned away from the phone a little.

_"Oh yeah_?" It was West again. "_Well_—"

"Thanks for the laws guys. Bye!" New York cut her off and hung up quickly. "On to the next one..."

-**0-0-0-**

Two hours later, they had almost everyone.

New York was flipping through his notepad."Okay, let's go over the list; Wisconsin once banned all margarine and other butter substitutes, Indiana has a law against bathing anytime between October and March—ew, Wyoming says you can't photograph a rabbit from January through April without a permit, Rhode Island considers it an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley, Connecticut will not consider a pickle a pickle unless it bounces—"

"What's with them and pickles?" Cal interrupted. "Why does a pickle need to bounce? Who just carries pickle juice around? W—"

"They're both really smart, so there must be a reason. Now let York finish." Virginia turned back to New York.

"Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license in Oregon, in Vermont a woman cannot wear false teeth without her husband's written permission, eating in an establishment which is on fire is illegal in Illinois, pet llamas may not graze on city property in Colorado, in Georgia goldfish may not be given away in order to entice someone to play bingo—"

"She did say it was a heck of a bingo game, though," California pointed out.

"—in New Jersey a man may not knit during fishing season, in Montana worrying will not be tolerated, in Maine you will be fined for having your Christmas decorations up after January 14th—"

This time it was Virginia interrupting. "Wow. He really is grumpy..."

"Minnesota doesn't allow the crossing of state lines with a duck on your head, or entering Wisconsin with a chicken on your head. In New Hampshire you may not nod or tap your feet or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe, and in Montana sheep may not be in the cab of your truck without a chaperone, and worrying will not be tolerated."

"That's everyone?" Virginia glanced at the list.

"Yeah. The only one left is Del." New York tapped a list with every state crossed out except for the eldest.

"I looked up his laws while you were reading." Virginia nodded towards his laptop. "He's... Actually pretty normal. It looks like he doesn't have any weird laws."

"Nothing? Hand it over." Cal grabbed the computer, scanning over the words. "No way."

"It's true." New York blinked in surprise as he read over California's shoulder.

"Then he's the weirdest one out of all of us," Cal declared. "The rest of us at least had _something_!"

"Agreed."

Mass pulled open the door and walked in, his hair still wet. "What are you guys doing?"

"Have you been taking your stupid bath this whole time?!" York stared at him.

"...maybe?"

"IT'S BEEN FOUR HOURS!"

"I vote he takes over my title of 'girliest man ever outside Nebraska and Italy'," Cal interjected.

York nodded. "All in favor, say aye! Aye!"

Cal snickered. "Aye!"

Mass blinked. "What? It's relaxing."

Virginia sighed. "Aye."

**THE END**

**A/N:**

**This chapter was inspired by an awesome website I found full of really weird laws.**

**This is a little late, 'cause I've been sick all week so I basically slept all day today and kinda worked on this. *punches wall* I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL. BUT I CAN'T UGHHHHHHHH. Anyways, I want to do a halloween chapter (Maybe starring a lot of haunted states like Pennsylvania and Louisiana?) Any ideas, lovely reviewers? See ya next time!**

**-Rambler**

***Arkansas can feel you saying her name wrong. And she WILL get you for it.**


	12. Chapter 12

**So this is a halloween chapter. That is late. I blame me being sick all week and then having a 12 hour school trip. But hey, Halloween is great, so let's stretch out the greatness by adding an extra day! *pretends it's a viable excuse for the lateness* DON'T HURT ME GUYS.**

**Ooh! I almost forgot, AemiliaeHistoriam (On deviantart aemiliaehistoriae) drew Mass! And it looks super amazing! So go look at it pretty please!**

**Disclaimer: 'Murica is not mine. States are.**

**-0-0-0-**

**Time: Present**

**Location: America's house (as usual)**

**-0-0-0-**

"What the heck are you two supposed to be...?" Virginia looked at New York.

"Zombie baseball players. Isn't it obvious?" Mass looked down at their costumes. "What are you?"

"A cat." Virginia tugged on his fake cat ears.

"I'm Daddy!" Alaska ran up to the three older states and spun around, showing off his long coat and matching scarf. "See?"

"I'm Batman!" Hawaii announced, running into the room with her long black cape flying behind her.

"That's great, kiddo. But don't you mean Batgirl?" New York crouched down to her height.

She shook her head. "Nuh-uh! Batman is better."

"I've spent the last three days attempting to convince her. It's pointless," Virginia sighed in response to Mass and York's confusion. "...now where did Maryland and D.C. run off to? Can you watch them while I go look?" Virginia ran back upstairs without waiting for an answer, leaving New York and Massachusetts with two toddlers alreadt hyper off the lollipops they had found somewhere.

"Hey, know what would be fun? Trying to find dad's candy stash for the trick-or-treaters." Mass shoved the four-year-olds towards the door. "Okay, no more worrying about that." He came back, grabbing a piece of candy from the candy stash America kept on the shelf behind them. "They'll be looking for at least an hour."

"So... Wanna go scare some little kids?" York grabbed his baseball bat, which had bite marks carved into it.

Mass had half a baseball glued to his forehead with fake blood. "Sure!" They started towards the door, only to be stopped by Louisiana. Mass looked her over. "What the heck is that supposed to be?"

She folded her arms. "I'm a voodoo doll."

New York eyed the giant pretend sewing pin stuck through her heart. "Oh. ...that makes sense."

"It does?" Mass raised an eyebrow.

"Dude, New Orleans is full of that kind of thing. Plus she was ranting it about it more than usual last week." York shrugged.

"OHIO! Did you take my eyeshadow again?!" Pennsylvania yelled from the top of the stairs. She was dressed as a ghost bride, with smudged mascara and a torn veil.

"No! It was Michigan!" Ohio pointed.

"What? I needed eyeshadow for my costume. Don't look at me like that, Wisconsin." He folded his arms. He was dressed as a skeleton in a suit, with a gun in one hand.

"You're a guy! Stealing your sister's eyeshadow is weird." Wisconsin folded her arms. She didn't have a costume, having agreed to stay home on trick-or-treater duty.

"It's halloween! Mass and York are wearing eyeshadow!" He pointed. The two of them shrugged.

"Zombies? That's not even scary." Louisiana looked them over.

"It's a lot scarier than your doll thing." New York smirked.

"I'm obviously the scariest state, I've got the cities of the dead!" Louisiana grinned wickedly. "Not to mention voodoo witches and magic. Plus, the alligators are just plain nasty."

"I've got the souls of dead soldiers from the battle of Gettyburg, and Ben Franklin, and tons of other people!" Pennsylvania countered, jumping off the bottom step and joining them.

Mass smirked. "I've got burned witches."

"...That's gross, and really not that scary. Most of them weren't even actual witches. Just poor ladies who got put to death." Penn made a face.

"Exactly! Souls out to prove their innocence—or else get their revenge!" He skipped across the room and snatched up another piece of candy to eat, handing a piece to York.

"Well I think all of you are crazy." Kansas plopped down on the couch behind them in her Dorothy costume (complete with a stuffed Toto). "None of that silly ghost stuff is even real."

"Oh yes it is," New York told her, half laughing. "Believe me, it's definitely not fake. You need to come to my city more often if you don't think ghosts are real. Heck, you need to go to any old city in the country if you don't think they're real!"

Pennsylvania nodded. "I've had several lengthy conversations with Ben Franklin. And only one of those was when he was alive."

"My ghosts tell me the future," added Louisiana.

"Mine just like to play mean tricks." Mass shrugged.

"Sure." Kansas rolled her eyes. "And I bet they walk through walls and turn pink and blue?"

"Only in places where there used to be doors," New York explained. "Although they never change colors."

"Well, one of mine did a few times. Yellow and green," Louisiana supplied.

"Uh-huh. I'm going to go find Tennessee. Have fun with your ghost competition."

When Kansas was gone, mass turned to the others with a wicked grin. "Guys, I have a plan. If it works, she'll believe in ghosts 'til Russia kills us."

"I like it already." Pennsylvania grinned and sat down on the couch.

**-0-0-0-**

"Okay, now where did the glow paint go? York?" Penn dug through the pile of supplies.

"Got it." Louisiana held up the green bottle. "Should we put some on our faces too?"

"Sure." Mass grabbed the paint and smeared it on his fingers, painting his face with the clear substance. "It glows green, right?"

"Yeah. Now where's the door to the secret passage? Your stupid closet is too small for the four of us, Mass." York felt around the wall until his fingers landed on the lever. The door swing open and let them into the passage. "Wait. ...What if there are rats in here?" He froze and looked at his sisters.

"Then we'll walk past them, you baby. Mass, I thought you cured his stupid fear already." Penn glared at her brother.

"I was busy, okay?! Come on, we have to get to her room, guys." Mass led them down the corridor.

"Please tell me you know where we're going," Louisiana muttered in the pitch blackness, grabbing their supplies.

"Of course I do!" Mass rolled his eyes.

_WHACK_!

"Oops, that's a wall. Go that way." He turned around.

Pennsylvania groaned. "You idiot..."

Fifteen minutes and several wrong turns later, Mass grabbed a door handle. "I think this is it. Hang on." He glanced inside, then slammed the door shut. "Iowa's room. Wrong direction."

"How about I go first this time?" Pennsylvania folded her arms.

"I think a rat just ran over my foot," New York whimpered.

"God, you two are more pathetic than normal today..." Louisiana sighed as Mass dragged New York down the passage after Penn.

Five minutes later, they stood before a new door. Louisiana walked right in. "We made it to the right place this time. Come on, guys."

New York dove out of the passageway and hid behind a chair. "I hate rats..."

"We know," Mass told him, dragging him out by the arm. "Now help us out and get to work!"

The four of them raced around the room, Mass putting paint on the passage's hidden door while York and Penn set up a fog machine and Louisiana adjusted the room temperature. Pennsylvania started altering her ghost costume from a bride to a normal ghost woman.

Mass glanced out into the hall. "She'll be coming any minute now. It's almost time for her and Tennessee to leave. Everybody hide!"

New York and Mass dove behind the desk, while the girls hid in the passageway.

There was silence. Then the door flew open. "Where did I put my shoes...?" Kansas muttered, setting Toto down.

"Now!" Mass hissed to the girls in the passage. There was no response. They waited. "Guys... Now...!"

_Creak_...

"Finally," Mass whispered with an eye roll. New York nodded in agreement.

Kansas froze. "Who's there?"

D.C. popped up in his little army costume, seemingly out of nowhere. "Hi!" he giggled. His helmet was on crooked and the sleeves were far too long, but his smile was as wide as ever.

Kansas seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "Oh, D.C. ...What are you doing up here?Aren't you going to go trick-or-treating?"

"I'm playing with my friend!" As if on cue, a woman in a tattered white dress, her face glowing faintly, stepped out as if she had come straight out of the wall. She nodded her head politely at Kansas, who was frozen in fear.

"She's really nice! At first I was scared, but then she said she was just lonely, 'cause she used to have a little boy just like me! She says I make her happy, though. 'Cause I'm just like him!" D.C. told his big sister cheerfully.

Kansas stared at him.

She took a deep breath.

"AAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEE!" She dropped her stuffed dog and her shoes and flat-out ran, screaming the whole way and slamming the door behind her.

A few seconds of silence went by.

"That was awesome!" Mass jumped out of his hiding place. D.C. and the ghost woman were gone. He threw open the door to the passage. "Penn! That was amazing! You were the best ghost ever! How'd you get D.C. to help you out, though...?"

"Yeah, and why didn't you come out right away?" New York frowned at his sisters, neither of whom had left the passageway yet. "We told you it was time to come out."

"Guys..." Penn started. "That... Wasn't me. ...I think that was an actual ghost."

There were several seconds of silence as the four states looked at each other.

"Aww... My new friend left!" D.C. said sadly from the bed.

The four froze.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH_!" They ran down the stairs and into the living room, where Virginia was trying to catch Hawaii and stop her from swinging from the ceiling. Maryland was dressed as a pirate.

Mass grabbed Virginia by the shoulders, eyes wide. "YOUR CHILD IS _NOT_ NORMAL_!"_

He blinked in confusion. "...what?"

"GUYS, RUN!" New York yelped. "HE'S COMING!" He grabbed Mass and raced for the door, with the girls right behind him. The door slammed behind them all as they ran into the street.

D.C. stood at the top of the stairs, watching them run. He tugged on Maryland's sleeve and looked up. "...why are they all so scared?"

Virginia answered as Maryland picked the little boy up. "I have no idea..."

**END**

**A/N:**

**So D.C. is the most haunted city. He likes ghosts! They're his friends. Especially animals and little kids. Also, New York has a really bad fear of rats due to them spreading disease in his city in the 1900s and Maryland still hasn't really let go of the whole pirate thing from when all of them were little 200 years ago. You know. Normal guy stuff.**

**Anyways, guest review time! Potato Unicorn: Can I just say how amazingly awesome that name is? I hope you liked the halloween chapter! Which is late... Thank you very much! And yes, around thanksgiving there shall be plenty of football for everyone. I hope this was soon enough for you! All other reviews: thank you! Keep those suggestions coming. And here are your cookies: (::) (::) (::) (::) (::) (::)**

**Oooooh... I just looked outside. It's snowing! And with that I shall leave you all. See ya next time!**

**-Rambler**


	13. Chapter 13

**Guest Reviews (Wow! There's a lot!):**

**Elena: Thank you sooooo much! That's super nice of you *super huge hug* And that's a great idea! As for Kanasas and Missouri... *thinks about it* That would be pretty cute. ^.^ Thanks again!**

**Vernie Duckworth: 1st review: Hmm... I looked it up, and there are several claims from both states. You're probably right, though. (And don't worry—I hate arguing!) 2nd review: Aww.. That would be cute! It may not be enough for a full chapter, but I'll work it into another idea I have. Thank you!**

**Potato Unicorn: I'm sorry I made you wait! I hope you like this chapter! *hug***

**Bri728: *cries* THANK YOU FOR DRAWING HIM. But I can't see it! Fanfiction is stupid about links... Maybe just tell me what artist and title it's posted under? I'm sorry! TAT**

**Thank you all sooooo much for the reviews and suggestions for chapters. Please keep them coming! Disclaimer: I just own the states.**

**And now, in honor of my state getting far too much snow for mid November: the states, and a LOT of snow.**

**-0-0-0-**

"IT'S SNOWING!" The three youngest of America's children squealed with joy. They were all huddled around the window. Alaska was bouncing up and down in excitement. Their siblings were all too busy to notice.

California and Florida were arguing.

"Disneyland was first!" California folded his arms.

"Yeah, but DisneyWORLD is bigger. And has more fun rides."

"But—Michigan! Back me up!"

Michigan looked up from his phone. "Uh... Cal is right. ...What are we talking about?"

The two arguing states glared at him.

Virginia was yelling at Massachusetts and New York.

"Look, it's very simple. We're supposed to stay AWAY from the humans. Not go and T.P. their houses! Now some innocent human kid is going to get blamed."

"Okay, but it's his fault." Mass and New York spoke at the same time, pointing at each other. Virginia groaned and gave up. Maryland was standing silently next to him with a small grin on his face.

West Virginia and Kentucky were yelling something about banjos. Iowa was attempting to escape Nebraska's hyper attempts at hugging him and forcing him to drink Kool-Aid. Alabama was screaming some sort of war cry involving Twizzlers and chasing Maine through the upper floor. Nevada and New Mexico were exchanging alien conspiracies over Skype with Tony.

Someone finally decided to turn on the T.V. to get the weather report, and the states quieted one by one as the news broadcast played. "We are expecting over six feet of snow in the next few hours. Temperatures are falling quickly."

Hawaii tugged on California's sleeve. "What does that mean?"

"...it means that it's snowing a LOT tonight." California picked her up and looked out the window at the snowflakes falling.

"Speaking of tonight, you three need to go get ready for bed," Virginia ordered the three toddlers. "Make sure you wear something warm, since the heat is still broken. If you go brush your teeth now Massachusetts will read you a story." At this Alaska and Hawaii ran up the stairs, with D.C. scrambling to keep up on his much shorter legs.

"I will?" Mass blinked.

Virginia looked up from where he and Arizona had started doing the dishes. "You tried to blow up my room and almost set the house on fire twice today. You're reading them their story."

Hawaii ran back onto the top step, toothbrush in hand. "Is it gonna be princesses?" she called down.

"You picked last night. It's Alaska's turn tonight," Virginia replied.

"But princesses are better than boring boy stuff!"

Alaska joined Hawaii on the stairs, speaking through a mouthful of toothpaste. "No way! I want Happy Chipmunks! And you have to do the squeaky voices!"

"Whatever you want," Massachusetts sighed in defeat.

**-0-0-0-**

When D.C. woke up, he was cold.

He sat up in his crib, peering out between the bars and shivering. He grabbed his teddy bear and stood up, clutching the bars. "Daddy?"

There was silence. He looked out the window, eyes growing wide.

Pushing his bear over the top bar of the crib and scrambling over after it, he landed on a heap of stuffed animals and walked carefully over to the hallway. He started down the dark path, his slightly-too-big footie pajamas nearly tripping him.

He paused when Stripe blinked at him sleepily from his dog bed, then padded over and licked his cheek.

D.C. giggled. "Shh, doggy. We hafta be quiet!"

Stripe wagged his tail and followed the little boy down the hall.

He pushed open the door to Maryland's room and scrambled up the side of the bed. Maryland was still fast asleep, seeing as it was four in the morning.

D.C. crawled onto his stomach. "Wake up!"

Maryland groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Where did the backyard go?" D.C. asked.

**-0-0-0-**

Two minutes later Maryland was standing in Virginia's room in his pajamas, holding D.C.

"Ginny."

Virginia opened his eyes and sat up groggily. "Good grief, what time is...?"

"Look outside." Maryland pointed to the window.

Virginia half-stumbled to the window, glancing out. As usual, he was wearing only blue pajama bottoms. He gazed out. The snow was piled up against the side of the house, drifting against the house a few feet below the window.

The second floor window.

"The house is buried?!"

Maryland nodded. The snowdrifts were up to the bottom of the windowsill, and more seemed to be piling up quickly. A seemingly impossible amount of snow had fallen overnight.

D.C. tugged on Virginia's hand. "I'm cold..."

"What do we do now?" Virginia grabbed D.C. and dropped him onto the pile of blankets on his bed, grabbing an old sweatshirt for himself and tugging it over his head. "We can't wake everyone up at four A.M. Should we just let all of them sleep?"

Maryland shrugged.

"I'm going downstairs to make coffee. I—D.

C., don't play with that." Virginia pulled a Swiss Army knife out of the toddler's hands as he spoke. "...where did you even get that? Anyways, I guess we just go downstairs as quietly as possible and try to warm up the house. The heat was supposed to get fixed today, but I'm guessing it'll stay broken for a while. There's no way anyone can get out, much less in."

D.C., now wrapped in a warm quilt once made for the colonies during the Revolution, followed Virginia and Maryland down the stairs in the quiet, empty house. Stripe trotted down the steps next to him, while Star sat at the bottom of the stairs and looked up curiously. Maryland went down the basement to find the few logs they had brought inside before it had started snowing days before.

"We're gonna have an adventure!" he told Star importantly, jumping off the last step with Stripe. He had pulled the quilt around himself like a cape. "Like when the big kids were little!"

"D.C., go wake up Connecticut. But you need to be very quiet so nobody else wakes up, okay?" Virginia stuck his head out of the kitchen.

"Okay! Stay here doggies." D.C. patted Star's head and scrambled back up the stairs.

He looked around, trying to remember the location of his big sister's green and yellow door.

_THUMP!_

_SLAM!_

D.C. turned around, looking back down the hallway.

"Idiots... Every last one of them," muttered New York, trudging down the hall in his pajamas. He stopped when he saw D.C. "What are you doing up this early, buddy?"

"I'm not sleepy! Why aren't you in your room?" D.C. looked up in confusion.

"Uh... No reason." He rubbed his head self-consciously. "What's going on?"

"We're having an adventure!" D.C. chirped. "There's lots of snow outside!"

"Snow...? What?" York frowned and walked into his room to look out the window. D.C. followed him, attempting to scramble over the heaps of clothes, comic books, and various other random objects.

York looked out the window.

"Holy $#%&."

"That's a bad word," D.C. informed him, shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll get a time out if you say that in front of someone else!"

"But—I—there's _SNOW_." He gestured helplessly out the window.

"I know." D.C. beamed. "Isn't it great? I'm gonna go wake up Connecticut now!"

And with that, he skipped down the hall.

**-0-0-0-**

About an hour later, the Thirteen had all woken up and were assembled in various stages of waking on the couch. D.C. had been sent upstairs to try and get some more sleep, mainly so that he was out of everyone's way. New York was wide awake and clutching an enormous cup of coffee. Mass was was half-asleep next to him and drooling on his shoulder.

"Dad's at Russia's house again," Virginia announced to his siblings, hopping over the back of the couch couch and landing in the seat next to Maryland.

"Seriously? What are they planning to do, pull an all-night Tetris battle?" South Carolina rolled her eyes.

"Or something." Massachusetts muttered, finally awake enough to snicker.

"Mass!" Pennsylvania glared at him.

Virginia sighed."Real mature, Mass. Now seriously, what do we do with dad on the other side of the world?"

"...dig our way out?" New Jersey suggested.

"I don't really think we could. It's too much work for a bunch of kids. And I don't know how well it would work even if you could." Virginia sighed.

"And where would we be getting out to?" Georgia asked. "We wouldn't have a place to go."

"The other problem is the heat not working. This house will be the same temperature as the outside unless we can fix the heat or start a fire." York sighed.

"Well, we have the wood pile, at least. That'll last us a while, right?" North Carolina tried to look hopeful.

"Yeah. Except for the fact that it's outside," Mass groaned.

"It's right outside the door. We could probably dig away a little snow to get at the wood," New Hampshire pointed out, thinking as he spoke. Maryland nodded.

"How long is this going to be?" asked New York.

"Judging by how fast the snow usually melts?" Virginia grimaced. "At least a couple days. ...lucky us."

"So wait, we're stuck in the house together—all 51 of us—until all this melts?!" Mass stared at him.

Connecticut thought for a minute. "...pretty much."

"And I suppose it won't change anything if I stand out there with a blow drier?"

Connecticut looked at him oddly. "...why would you even consider that? It's the most idiotic thing I've heard since the time you told us all that you were going to go catch Pokemon with New York."

"But I was!"

"Stupid Pikachu ran away..." York grumbled.

"Shouldn't we be focusing on ways to get out if here? Because as deeply as I care about Pika-whatsit, I don't want to be stuck here with you guys." Pennsylvania folded her arms.

"You do not disrespect Pikachu. Ever." New York folded his arms.

"Yeah. When Nebraska and Cal wake up, they're gonna kill you." Mass nodded in agreement.

"Calm down, guys." Virginia sighed. "Penny is right. We need to stop having pointless arguments and start focusing on important things, like keeping the house warm. It is really cold..."

D.C. ran back into the room, beaming widely. "I waked up everyone!"

Texas and West Virginia followed at a much slower pace, shuffling along in sleepy confusion. Everyone else could be heard wandering around upstairs.

"I hate you," West Virginia told Virginia by way of greeting.

"...Good morning to you too." He watched her walk past and flop down on the couch with her arms folded. Since the Civil War, West had developed an intense grudge against him that never really healed.

"What's going on?" Texas yawned and rubbed his eyes, leaning on the doorframe.

"Lots of snow," New York supplied. The rest of the Thirteen nodded.

Texas shrugged and sat down on the couch. "Want help making breakfast?"

"Sure. I don't know how much food we've got, though." Virginia frowned as he thought about it.

"It's cold in here," California announced, walking in with a Golden Gate Park sweatshirt on. "What's up with that?"

"Snow." By now everyone was starting to get a bit annoyed at having to explain.

D.C. pushed past Texas and jumped up and down until Maryland picked him up.

Mass grinned. "Don't worry, Cal. Leave the heat to me."

**-0-0-0-**

"I made breakfast. Do you want some eggs? ...What on earth are you doing?" Virginia walked into the living room with his trusty frying pan in one hand. He turned back to the kitchen. "Michigan! Stop taking all of Ohio's bacon!"

"She started it!" came the faint reply.

"Well, to answer your first question, yes. Did you make the really good cheese ones?" Massachusetts grinned when Virginia nodded. "As for the second part—I'm trying to warm up the house. It's the one thing I may ever get to do that's actually helpful and yet lets me set stuff on fire." He gestured to the heap of random papers behind him.

"...is this torn out of one of the math textbooks in the basement?" Virginia held up a sheet of paper with one jagged edge, covered in algebra problems.

"Probably. I just grabbed all the paper. Bet a bunch of it really is from those evil books..." He sent a glare at the paper in his brother's hand. "I grabbed a few other books I saw too." He reached into the pile and grabbed a book to toss into the slowly-growing fire.

"That's one of New York's comic books!" Virginia quickly rescued 'Batman: Issue #2' from its fiery near-death. "...aren't they worth thousands of dollars? Why would you burn them?"

Mass shrugged. "I guess I can use something else." He grabbed another book, one that was missing half the cover. Almost all the print had rubbed away from being read over and over.

"Mass!" The book was snatched away in an instant. "Why would you burn my favorite book?!"

"You can't even read it anymore! It's hard to tell there even used to be words. You've really just memorized the stupid thing." Mass folded his arms.

"So? I still want my book!" Virginia hugged the battered story.

"Fine! What the heck am I supposed to use, then?!"

Just then, the door from the basement opened. Maryland and Texas walked in, arms full of split wood. Both of them were completely soaked, covered in slowly-melting snow.

"We did it!" Tex offered up his heap of logs.

Maryland nodded and sneezed, shaking the snow out of his hair. "It was cold."

"Yeah." Texas dumped his wood pile on the ground next to the pile of papers. "We managed to dig our way to the woodpile. The snow collapse on us a few times though. He almost got buried." He jerked a thumb in Maryland's direction.

Maryland sneezed again.

"Well... Do you all want some breakfast? I don't think everyone else has managed to eat all of it just yet." Virginia glanced back at the kitchen.

"Sure." Texas jumped up eagerly. He paused. "Oh hey, is that Batman?"

**-0-0-0-**

In the kitchen, the states were arguing.

"You weakings! Once it snowed nonstop for _WEEKS_ at my house, and we got over 8 feet!" Colorado folded his arms.

"One time it got colder than the Arctic Circle in my house," North Dakota retorted.

"It's always really cold at my house..." Alaska reached for one of Hawaii's pieces of bacon.

"I have snow on Mount Rainier more than half of the year!" Washington interrupted.

"Well, we've got six feet on the ground, and it's still snowing." Virginia sat down in his chair next to D.C.

"California and Mass are trying to kill me!" Pennsylvania complained. "And Nebraska's just giving me a kicked-puppy face. Make them stop it!"

"You insulted Pokemon!" Cal yelled from the other end of the table. Nebraska nodded, sniffling.

"Hey, wanna hear the new song I've been practicing on my banjo?" Kentucky piped up.

_"NO_!" everyone responded immediately. Kentucky sighed and went back to his breakfast.

"Well, what _are_ we gonna do?" Michigan piped up. "I mean, we need _something_."

"Video game battle to the death?" Cal suggested.

"Nah, too boring. We did that last week." Mass thought about it. "Wanna build a pillow fort?"

"Are we allowing any girls?" York asked.

"Nope!"

"Perfect. Come on, guys!" New York led all male states except for Virginia and Maryland into the basement.

Georgia leapt to her feet.

"Uh oh," whispered Arizona to New Mexico. "This isn't gonna be good."

"They can't lock us out! We're going to make the best pillow fort this country has ever seen!" Georgia put her hands on her hips. "Come on, girls! Time to crush those idiots!"

The female states got up and headed for the basement as well, Hawaii running to keep up.

Virginia and Maryland were left in the kitchen with D.C.

"...what exactly just happened?" Virginia blinked, looking over the suddenly abandoned food on the table.

Maryland just shook his head and sneezed again.

"Can we go help the boys' team now?" D.C. looked up hopefully.

"Why not?" Virginia sighed and picked him up, leading the way down the stairs, frying pan in hand.

**-0-0-0-**

On one end of the shooting range, the girls were amassing an enormous heap of ropes, boxes, pillows, furniture, and tape.

"Hawaii! Come help me untangle this rope!" called North Carolina.

"Where's my screwdriver?!" Arkansas complained.

"Has anyone seen my shovel? And are we allowed to use the fake trees?" Minnesota popped up next to Pennsylvania, helping her tie the rope she was working on.

"Fake trees are a go," Connecticut called back. "And did you check the supply closet?"

They were using ropes that were tied to the shooting range obstacles as support beams, with a fake tree as a support in the center and several blankets, pillows, chairs, and a couch all added in.

"...we need a ladder," Minnesota announced, looking up at the ropes she and her sisters had climbed into the trees to hang. "Otherwise we won't be able to hang the blankets for walls."

"We got it!" Louisiana and Kansas ran in with a ladder. "And there's a shovel back there too."

"Great. Pennsylvania, can you help me hang the walls?" Minnesota propped up the ladder and climbed to the top, Kansas holding it steady.

Once they finished putting the walls up, all 24 girls assembled on the couch.

"Okay. We need a plan. We have to get back at the boys for keeping us out of their fort. Ideas?" Georgia looked around the pile of girls. Florida was laying on the floor looking at the ceiling, with Hawaii and Arizona playing Barbies next to her. Idaho and Wisconsin were fantasizing about buttered baked potatoes. Pennsylvania and Ohio were arguing again. Nobody was paying attention. Georgia sighed. "Rhode Island?"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO GEORGE."

"Thank y—Hey! Don't call me George!" Georgia glared at her sister.

The small state shrugged innocently.

Georgia sighed. "As I was saying, any ideas?"

Arizona raised her hand. "We could start a squirt gun war like they did when the countries came to visit." She pointed at Florida and the Carolinas.

"...Nah. It's too cold for that."

"What about if we used paint?" Florida sat up with a grin.

_"Pink _paint," South Carolina corrected. They grinned wolfishly.

"In squirt guns," added North Carolina.

Georgia shrugged. "You guys are our vandalism experts. Let's do it."

"Yay!" North jumped up and ran to a box in the back of the fort, dumping its contents on the floor.

24 water guns of various sizes, along with a few water balloons and a stray firecracker fell onto the cement.

"I have a bunch of pink paint left over from painting Hawaii's room a few months ago," Mississippi offered. "Minnie, I need your help to carry it all."

"Sure." Minnesota got up.

"Perfect! Let's load 'em up!" Florida cheered.

When Minnesota and Mississippi returned with can after can of pink paint, the girls set to work, funneling the paint into the guns and lining them up by the door. When they finished they lined up in a row.

"Okay ladies, listen up!" South Carolina marched up and down the line of girls. "We have idiot boys to crush, so I'm not going to waste our time. Your mission is to paint their fort pink without them seeing or hearing you. Can you do that?"

"Yes ma'am!" they yelled.

"Good! Now remember—when I give the signal, run! Got that?"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Then move out!" South hefted her gun, which unlike the others was full of purple. The girls ran across the field, surrounding the boys' fort, which was mostly cardboard. "Get to work, girls!" South whispered.

They covered every inch of the walls in paint, running in circles around it as they fired. When they finished, the girls stepped back to let South paint on their message in purple:

_TAKE THAT, BOYS!_

Underneath it, she let Hawaii paint a unicorn.

"We're done here. Let's go!"

"Wait!" Hawaii stopped them. "What's in this box?"

Georgia lifted the lid of the enormous box just outside the entrance to the fort. "Fig Newtons—they're like fruit cookies."

"Oooh! Can we take them with us? I like cookies!" Hawaii bounced up and down.

"Fine. Dakota, Idaho, get moving." Idaho and North Dakota lifted the box together, then started towards their fort. The girls all raced back through the shooting range, leaving the oblivious boys in the pink fort behind them.

**-0-0-0-**

In the guys' fort, Mass was eating Fig Newtons. "You sure you don't want some?" he asked after swallowing a huge bite. "You know they're awesome since they're named after one of my cities!"

"No thanks..." Virginia eyed the mess the green-eyed state was making on their war council table. He, Mass, Maryland, Michigan, and York were all standing around it. Delaware was pacing on the other end of the room. The others were spread about, sitting on couches and pillows they had dragged into the fort. Star and Stripe guarded the door.

"I say we attack!" Michigan pounded a fist on the table where they had spread out a map. All the boys had black warpaint streaked over their cheeks in various patterns.

"We need a way to communicate out there, though. Something the girls won't get..." New York paced around the table.

"_Peut-être que nous pourrions utiliser Français_?"* Maryland asked.

"Say what?" York blinked.

"_Peut-être_...** but a lot of the Purchase states speak French. Hey, how did you learn it?" Delaware glanced at his brother.

Maryland shrugged. He wasn't telling.

"...Anyone besides me speak Korean?" Virginia looked to the others doubtfully.

"No. But I think Georgia does. So that won't work." York sighed.

"How about Vietnamese?" Nebraska offered. He was carrying around a camouflage water bottle full of Kool-Aid. "I know that!"

"Me too. That might work." Texas nodded. "Only Oklahoma knows it, of the girls."

"I can speak it too," Washington added.

"Teach me a few words of it and I should be able to get it too. But I think we'll be okay with sign language and English." Virginia looked over the map of the basement. The Batman logo represented their fort (New York had probably been doodling), and a pink bow marked the girls'. "What are we going to do to them?" He lifted his frying pan slightly, half-questioning.

Mass put his feet up on the table, grabbing another Fig Newton. "Don't worry. I have a plan."

"Before that, I wasn't worried," Virginia muttered.

"Is it the same plan you used on me last winter?" New York folded his arms.

"Yup! Nothing beats a good indoor snowball to the face!" Mass grinned.

"...What?" Michigan looked up in confusion.

"We're going to make tons of snowballs outside, then launch an ambush! But for it to work, I need to know how they built their fort." Mass frowned.

"We need spies," New York clarified. "Any volunteers?"

"We can do it!" D.C. and Alaska jumped up and down. They were wearing all black like the others, with red bandanas tied around their heads.

"Can you be absolutely quiet, with _no_ giggling?" York asked, raising one eyebrow.

D.C. stopped jumping. "Um... No." He pointed at Maryland. "He could! He doesn't like talking."

"We know." Delaware shot a glance at Maryland, who shrugged innocently.

"We could go!" Nebraska jumped up, dragging Iowa with him.

"Fine. Iowa?" Mass looked at the rather grumpy state.

Iowa sighed. "Yeah. Let's get this over with."

**-0-0-0-**

"Are they sure the girls won't see us?" Nebraska asked for the third time.

"Yes. Now shut up, sugar addict." Iowa crept down the hall and leaned around the corner. "There it is."

_You go that way. I'll go the other way_, Nebraska said quickly in sign language.

_Be careful_, Iowa signed back before starting to creep across the floor.

Iowa walked around the fort slowly. He paused halfway and started to turn around.

_CRASH!_

From several feet away came the sound of Nebraska tripping over a stack of unused fort materials.

Iowa dove for cover, groaning. "Neb... You idiot."

"What was that?" Idaho stuck her head out of the girls' fort, looking around.

Nebraska crawled over to Iowa behind a wall of boxes. "Sorry! They left out a bunch of paint cans!" he whispered with wide eyes as Idaho started towards them.

Both boys were frozen in fear, watching as she drew closer and closer, until—

"Hey Idaho! We need your help with the map!"

The potato-loving female state stopped less than a foot away. "Okay!" She turned and ran back to the fort.

The plains states sighed with relief.

"Okay, did you get a good look at that side?" Iowa asked.

"Yes."

"Then let's get out of here." Iowa led the way back to the fort on the other end of the shooting range.

"So. What did you two find?" New York asked as they ran through the entrance.

"To make their walls, all they did was drape blankets over ropes. If one person stands on each side and they all yank down the blankets at once, the girls will be completely in the open," Iowa reported.

"You're supposed to salute," Alaska whispered to him.

"...sir." Iowa gave a halfhearted salute.

"And they have a lot of empty paint cans left from painting our fort, sir!" Nebraska added, saluting.

"They really _are_ evil." Mass walked around the map table. "Good work, guys!"

"Say, who's in charge here anyways?" Wyoming asked, popping up out of nowhere.

"I think he is, scary as that sounds." York pointed to Massachusetts.

The western state shrugged. "Oh. Okay. Well in that case–sir! The girls have painted our fort pink! And they stole all your Fig Newtons!"

"THIS MEANS WAR!"

"You're being ridiculously melodramatic about this." Virginia was flopped on the couch they had managed to drag into the fort, drawing an attack plan for the snowball raid.

"They stole my Fig Newtons!" Mass grabbed Virginia's frying pan and bonked him on the head with it. "I need them back!"

"Ow!" Virginia rubbed his head. "First of all, that frying pan is MINE. Second of all, we'll get the cookies back! Calm down."

Maryland glared at Massachusetts and took the frying pan away.

"Fine. Let's start making snowballs." Mass turned to the 26 boys scattered about the fort. "ATTEN–_TION_!"

Everyone jumped up.

"Time to make some freakin' amazing snowballs. Who's good this?" He looked over his assembled siblings. "Alaska, obviously. Maine, Michigan, Colorado, Vermont, and Delaware... Okay. Make as many snowballs as you can, as fast as you can. York and I can help too. The rest of you are in charge of throwing them and bringing the walls down. Ready?"

"Yes, sir!" Alaska saluted. The others nodded.

"And remember, no hitting Hawaii at all, and no hitting New Mexico, Arizona, and Oklahoma excessively." Delaware looked out the tent flap. "The coast is clear. And remember, stay quiet!"

The boys walked across the shooting range as quietly as 24 teenagers and two toddlers could walk. (Which was quieter than one would expect.)

At the door to the backyard, they stopped. Delaware and New York pulled it open as slowly as possible. A little snow from outside fell in onto the floor.

"Positions!" Mass whisper-yelled.

The boys scrambled into place, Virginia, Nebraska, Iowa, and Washington each grabbing one of the blankets. The other boys got into throwing positions. Alaska and the others started making snowballs silently. Maryland, who had managed to catch a cold from the snow outside, tried not to sneeze.

"Okay. Ready?" Virginia whispered. "On three. One... Two..."

"_THREE_!" the boys screamed together, yanking down the walls.

"ATTACK!" Mass yelled.

Snowballs flew every which way as the girls dove for cover. Alaska was making snowballs at inhuman speeds, even faster than the older boys. The rest of the boys grabbed the snowballs as fast as he could make them.

Across the room, Florida and South Carolina were crouch behind a box. North Carolina was behind an overturned table a few feet away with Minnesota.

"We've got to do something!" Florida yelled.

"The paint guns! I think there's still a few full ones!" North pointed.

"They're going to run out of snow by the door pretty soon and have to move further back. When that happens, we run." Minnesota told her sisters. "It's basic snow warfare. Get ready... NOW!"

The four girls took off towards the ruins of their fort.

"Only you would come up with 'basic snow warfare'," South yelled to Minnesota.

"Actually, ND and I have been developing it for a while now," she yelled back over her shoulder. "Now run! They're about to fire!"

The girls dove behind the couch and grabbed the paint-filled water guns they had stashed under it.

Minnesota grabbed a few paint balloons as her sisters grabbed the guns. "You guys do you thing. I'll do mine. Good luck!" She ran off in the opposite direction, ducking through the hail of snow.

"Ready girls?" South Carolina looked at the other two.

"Are you kidding? It's like we do this every day." Florida grinned. "CHARGE!"

Across the range, Mass spotted the girls running out with their guns. "$&#%! Nebraska, take over for me. Just keep making snowballs." He jumped up and ran, leaving Nebraska kneeling in the snow in his place.

He charged straight toward them, throwing snowballs as fast as he could. "You stole my Fig Newtons! I want them back!"

South Carolina stopped a few feet in front of him as the other two circled behind. She grinned wickedly.

"They were delicious."

"NO!"

South raised her gun. "FIRE!"

**-0-0-0-**

D.C. was hiding in a box.

He didn't really like the box—it smelled funny—but Virginia had told him that he was supposed to stay _right there, _or else_._

So he was staying in the box.

He poked his head up just enough to see over the edge and he saw his big sister South Carolina coming towards him with a big water gun full of paint. She raised the barrel.

D.C. closed his eyes tight.

_CLANG_!

There was silence.

D.C. opened one eye and peeked out again.

Virginia was eyeing his frying pan. "Huh. I can't believe that worked..."

South Carolina was flopped on the floor, unconscious, with a suspiciously frying-pan shaped lump on her head.

"Serves her right," Maryland muttered. He dropped an armful of snow on her face.

D.C. giggled.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHH!"

Virginia and Maryland whirled around. D.C. climbed out of the box and ran over to them.

"What was that?" he asked Maryland.

"I'M _PINK_!" Massachusetts wailed from somewhere across the field.

Virginia snickered. "...I think Mass just looked in a mirror. The girls got him good. ...speaking of the girls, is the war over yet? Nobody is shooting or throwing anymore..."

Maryland looked around.

D.C. pointed to the door. "There!"

Minnesota was standing in the doorway holding a pile of slightly oversized snowballs. One flew in New York's direction and hit him before he could so much as blink. The pink paint balloon hidden in the snow exploded all over his chest. The other boys scattered, running for their lives.

A paint snowball landed on Virginia's head, covering him with pink paint. Another one hit Iowa in the back, making him trip over South Carolina. Star and Stripe got splattered by the brightly colored paint as they ran towards the door. By the time Minnesota finally ran out of ammo, half the basement was covered in pink paint and melting snow, sprinkled with a few tripped states.

Massachusetts sat up with a groan. "Fine We surrender."

Minnesota and Florida pulled him to his feet. "Smart choice."

Maryland sneezed yet again.

Virginia wiped the paint out of his eyes. "I suppose now we should start cleaning up..."

Obediently, the states got to work.

Five hours later, everything was gone. South Carolina was revived, the forts were taken down, the shooting range was dried off with a blow drier brigade, and the paint was cleaned off of the walls and floor. No trace of the great pillow fort war was left in the basement.

But Virginia's hair stayed pink for a week.

**Long A/N:**

**The snow did go away eventually so they could get out. Thank god for snowplows! ...And a panicking America and a slightly less panicking Russia. *snickers* I'm not sorry about Virginia's hair. And I got Mass addicted to Fig Newtons. All Maryland got was a cold...**

**This should have been up on earlier, but my parents decided to surprise me with a trip to Comicon! So I'm sorry this was VERY late—but I was very busy. (It was amazing! They had a stuffed Russia! I wish I'd had a cosplay for it. ...maybe next year.)**

**And *RED FLASHING LIGHTS* updates may slow down—I'm in my school play, and I have NO time for anything now. I'm up until 10pm doing homework. So I am very sorry! I'll do my best to keep updates coming. ****See you all next time!**

**—Rambler**

**P.S: A note about the languages they speak: that is the most-spoken language in that state after Spanish and English**

**French:**

***(Maryland:) Maybe we could use French?**

****(Delaware:) Maybe...**


End file.
